Ma fellow Americans, ah speak to you from the White House this evening in the company of ma beloved wife and with a heavy heart. Intolerable accusations have been made about ma personal life, which ah must answer, for ma own reputation, for ma dear wife, but most of all, for the honour and the dignity of the presidency of this great country of ours.
Firstly, ma relationship with Dawn Wynette, the former Miss Dairy Product Queen of Gainsboro County, Arkansas, is not of an improper nature. Dawn is a good friend of ma wife - isn't that so, hon? - and a vital member of ma White House team, even as she works her way through school, the Heidi Fleiss Academy of Dance and Mime for Young Ladies. Ah consult her often on the conditions of the milk herd in her native Gainsboro County.
Attending to duties
That is why ah was seen tiptoeing from Dawn's room at daybreak. It is a sad day for this great country of ours that an early-rising president manfully attending to his duties - slaving away at the crack of dawn, no less - should be suspected of improper activities. Ms Wynette had merely been giving me a lengthy briefing on bovine lactation.
It is true Dawn had a friend staying in her room at the time, Ms Tammy Lou Friedricksbacker, currently on remand in LA county jail on a charge of soliciting. Ma fellow Americans, could ah possibly have known what she was going to do?
As for the long range photographs taken of Dawn and Tammy Lou and myself, allegedly engaged in a sexual threesome, ah have a perfectly innocent explanation. Ms Wynette had not been feeling herself in quite a while, so Ms Friedrisbacker gave her a Tennessee rub, a down-home cure for all that ails you. Being natural young women, they of course sleep in the nood. Being friends, they did not hide their noodity from one another.
Ms Friedricksbacker was performing the Tennessee Rub on Ms Wynette when ah arrived in the room to discuss milk herds in Gainsboro County. They asked me to assist, and out of all Christianity, ah could not decline. Of course, ah had to take ma jacket off, because a Tennessee Rub requires the use of oils, some of which then got on ma tie, so that had to come off, and then Ms Wynette slipped, leaving a large buttock-shaped oil-stain on ma shirt, so that had to come off too. And so on. That was how ah come to be in the nood too.
Now, as for the photographs. The first, in which ah am to be seen in partial profile, and in which Ms Wynette's heels are behind her ears, merely looks suspicious because of the false perspective involved. Ms Wynette was performing her early morning tummy-flattening exercises while she talked to me about bovine lactation, and ah just happened to be beyond her from the camera's point of view, doing press-ups. Of course ma tongue was hanging out. Ah am not as young as ah was, my fellow Americans, and press-ups are exhausting.
Close examination
There is the other photograph in which Ms Friedricksbacker may be seen performing a close examination of ma anatomy. Ma fellow Americans, you are aware of the sexual harassment charges made by another young lady, Ms Jones, who alleges ah have a peculiar shape in a certain place in ma body. Ms Friedricksbacker merely wished to measure dimensions to confirm the allegations were incorrect. After she did that, ah left the room, on tip-toe so as not to wake White House staffers asleep in other rooms.
Now we come to the allegations concerning Lulubelle Minjinski, 17, and her sister Honeychile from Alabama who got lost during a White House tour and strayed into ma bedroom, only emerging three days later. Ma fellow Americans, ah assure you, ah did not know they were there, at any time. Ah am a deep sleeper. Who knows what happened while ah slept? On ma word of honour - young William Minjinski and young Clinton Minjinski are not offspring from any consensual sexual act of mahn.
Softball team Now, as for the girls' softball team from Clapham High, Des Moines all going on maternity leave some time after their visit to the White House: ma fellow Americans, ah dismiss these baseless smears with contempt. Ditto, what happened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir during their visit to Washington. Ditto the Women's Band of the US Marine Corps. And as for accusations regarding the Little Sisters of the Solitary Infant of Harrisburg, Pa, who visited the White House in June two years ago for their once-in-a-decade trip to the outside world, ah can assure you the change of name to the Rather Larger Mothers of the Very Many Infants Indeed of Harrisburg, Pa the following March, had nothing to do with me.
Cause it wasn't me, ah know nothing about it, and anyway, ah won't ever do it again, isn't that right, hon? My fellow Americans, ah can't.
Ah been bobbitted, in ma sleep. Woke up one morning, and it was gone. No more allegations about me, yuh hea'? And you know, what? We don't have the faintest idea who done it, now do we, hon?
(And a small smile, as inscrutable as La Gioconda's, rested on the face of the President's wife as she looked at him adoringly. "Not an idea, honey," she murmured huskily. "Not an idea in the world . . .")