Dick Roche, the Minister for State for Europe, complained last week that the media had failed to cover an important EU ministerial conference he had held in Wicklow. Among the people who attended this scandalously neglected meeting was Volkan Bozkir, a deputy under-secretary at Turkey's Ministry for Foreign Affairs, no less. Also, the Foreign Minister for Greek Cyprus, writes Kevin Myers
Clear the front page! Forget the US Presidential elections! Ignore the seismic event at the San Andreas fault, which has turned California into an offshore island! We have fatter fish to fry. For this newspaper is able to reveal exclusively that a junior under-secretary (third grade) from the Bolivian Department of Deep Sea Fisheries and Maritime Research last week also had a free and frank exchange with the Minister for Europe, the enormously important Mr Dick Roche TD.
Their conversations dwelt on areas of mutual interest - the Donegal Shelf and the price of llama and xopectl in La Paz - before they broke for a lunch of hamster salad. In the afternoon, they agreed to pool their resources on space exploration and the Irish language. They later repaired to a State banquet of tea and scones in Mrs O'Leary's boarding house in the Minister's constituency. War was thus narrowly averted.
The heroic efforts of the statesmanlike Minister for Europe, Mr Dick Roche TD, to secure peace in our time were loudly hailed in the media after he met a char-wallah from Bombay, who is pedalling around Ireland on his tricycle. The Minister spoke at length on the vexed and thorny issue of Kashmir. To the acclaim of the Irish media, he insisted the matter should be resolved on sound Christian principles, that the Israelis should remove their much-disputed Wailing Wall in Famagusta, and meanwhile they should allow the Serbs access to their holy places in Mecca.
Later, the colossally significant figure of the Minister for State condemned the RTÉ newsroom for its gross neglect in not making his talks with the char-wallah the lead item on the news. "Our talks were wide-ranging and weighty. Differences of opinion over the Falklands/Moldavias
dispute and FYR-Macedonia/FDR-Roosevelt were resolved. The char-wallah has agreed to renounce all territorial claims to Tibet, Canada and Leitrim. We parted on good terms - yet RTÉ only made this vital summit meeting the third item on the news."
The next morning, the Minister for State for Europe - in effect, the Tsar of the EU - had his long-awaited meeting with Henry Kissinger, third cousin twice removed to the former US Secretary for State. Henry was born Henrietta, and now works as a male lap-dancer in GAA clubs in Wicklow. The two had wide-ranging talks on the Middle East, the Chinese nuclear weapons' programme and Nicole Kidman's bottom, of which Mr Kissinger declared himself a great admirer. Moreover, he announced that the extraordinarily handsome Mr Roche also had cute buns. The amazingly distinguished Minister for State declared that Mrs O'Leary's scones were even better. The Irish Times editorial uttered sounds of warm approval at this détente.
This newspaper next day headlined the world-shattering news that the wonderfully talented Mr Dick Roche, yes, still Minister For Europe, had been able to pack into his tight schedule a meeting with the Costa Rican third under-secretary for Defence, Gabriel Luis Marquez. The latter told the incredibly distinguished Minister that since Costa Rica has no army or orchestra, he was now both, being a field marshal on one day, a symphonic conductor on the next, and on the third, he minded the chickens. They agreed to meet regularly.
The irrepressible Minister Roche, the Metternich of our times, was very properly back on the front pages the next day following his meeting with the Pope. His Holiness, the Sublime Patriarch of Montenegro, Prelate of the See of St Nicholas of Deadly Halitosis, met the Minister in his basilicum in the halting site near Coolock. The Pontiff blessed the Minister on bended knee, and then sold him a copy of The Big Issue. A joint communiqué, to be presented to the UN in English, Irish and an unknown Macedonian dialect, is being prepared by the Minister's officials and the Pontiff's first secretary, his shapely wife Tanya, who became a national treasure in former Yugoslavia after finishing eighth in the 1972 Eurovision Song Contest, with her rousing Szlobodom odom odom.
"You are Dick," the Pontiff intoned. "And upon this Roche I shall built my church." The Minister next made the financial pages with his adroit manipulation of his PIN number. With the extraordinary powers of instant recall which have caused him to be dubbed Ireland's answer to George Soros, he was able to remember nearly all four of the vital digits. The world gazed on in awe as this mastermind, this towering financial genius, this numerical wizard, completed the Banklink transaction after only three failed attempts. And within no more than four minutes, with astonishing élan he walked away with all of €40 in his wallet.
He burst on to the sports pages too, after throwing in the ball at the Wicklow town under-eights football quarter-final. Our awed GAA correspondent reported next day that he had seen cardinals and archbishops, presidents and prelates, throw the ball in; none compared in agility, accuracy or sheer athletic grace with the Minister. He only prayed that Rebecca Loos would never hear of the Minister's extraordinary sporting talents, never mind receive any sex-texts from him, otherwise we would never get that loose Loos loose from the ladies' loos, wailing for loads of Dick.