Let me come to the defence of Irish hospitality. Hotels here have come a long way since the time I was advised by a commercial traveller in the bar of a Co Donegal hotel to go up to my room, take the mirror off the dressing-table and leave it between the sheets for 15 minutes to see if it came out steamy.
It was his early warning system for damp beds. "Rheumatics are a sore thing," he warned.
Having visited 54 countries to date, I feel that too often our own holiday accommodation is subject to unfair criticism. I have had many good experiences in Irish hotels and guesthouses. In Clarinbridge, Co Galway, for instance, which I have visited frequently on fishery matters, the guesthouse owner has driven me to a public house so that I can leave my car behind. The comfort and facilities he provides would rival a top-class hotel - a boon I have found in several other guesthouses.
On another part of the west coast, where I was staying in a small hotel during a local festival, lunch - a cold salmon salad with dessert - was provided free to residents. Why? Because the management hadn't been able to serve up a hot meal as the kitchen staff wanted to participate in the festivities too.
Belmullet hotel
Some years ago, while taking shots for a Bord Iascaigh Mhara fishery film on the north Mayo coast in winter, the team was so badly in need of hot food that it knocked on the door of a closed family hotel in Belmullet. Not only did the owners open up. Given a little time, which was passed by enjoying a few hot whiskeys, they provided a blazing fire and a mixed grill of generous proportions, which even passed the mouth of George Morrison, creator of the film Mise Eire, and a renowned gourmet. No doubt the butcher's and other shops in the town had also to be disturbed for supplies.
What impresses my friends a lot about Irish hotels from their visits here is that they are not always expected to tip for minor services. I have found tipping a rampant practice in foreign hotels, and in many the staff divide duties so that the maximum number of employees are involved in each operation - for instance, check-in staff handing your room key to a porter instead of directly to you. The porter then "charges" you for opening your room door.
Tipping at sea
On cruise liners, tipping is applied with great cunning, and one is advised to give generously at the start of the voyage and not at the end. The head waiter is likely to put you at a bad table for the duration of the voyage, unless he is squared up promptly with a remark such as, "you'll look after me, won't you?" Then your table waiter has to pass on some of his anticipated takings, called "dropsy" in below-decks lingo, to the kitchen staff to ensure that you get good food. Only in Cuba have I had a tip refused by a waiter.
I've never known an Irish hotel to do what frequently happens in the US, where "the only room available" is the dearest, when in fact the place is less than full. I encountered a different problem in Beijing, where I handed 20 postcards with stamps to a hotel reception desk for posting, and later discovered that none had ever reached its destination. This was no ordinary reception desk: it was 25 yards long, in a luxury hotel with marble- walled lifts and embroidered carpets.
Some years ago, a British art critic who was coming to Dublin to lecture at the Royal Dublin Society asked me to recommend a city hotel for herself and her husband. It was her first visit to Ireland, and she took in a few days of sightseeing in pleasant weather.
When she returned to London, she was full of enthusiasm for the friendliness she had experienced and could not wait for a future visit. Being interested in Swift, she had been given great assistance in Marsh's Library, and a barman in Duke Street had given her a free glass of Guinness, along with eloquent chat, when she had popped in to see if she could find some references to Joyce.
Memorable experience
So I asked her what was her most memorable experience, and she replied that it had happened in a hotel. After the RDS lecture, her husband called room service to order a snack. A waitress came up and listed the sandwiches that could be supplied. "We have ham, salad, cucumber, egg, turkey and chicken," she said.
My friends decided that they would like turkey, and ordered it. To this, the waitress replied: "Might I suggest you order the chicken instead, as we are putting turkey in the chicken sandwiches tonight, and they are cheaper!"
That hotel could hardly have bought the unforseen publicity that it secured when my friend related the story in her Sunday newspaper column. The publication had sales of 2 million.