Following the sell-out of my minority holding in the Ballymore Eustace telephone kiosk, which now trades under its new name of Ballycom, for $15 billion, An Irishman's Diary, henceforth to be known as Diarcom, is to be launched on the Irish stock market. We see ourselves as big players in the telecommunications field. In addition to having a phone at home, and one at work, we also have a mobile telephone, some of whose functions actually work. We also have two tin cans and a length of string, with which we intend to revolutionise communications between Ballymore and Alaska. Diarcom also intends to investigate the communication possibilities of semaphore, smoke signals, maroon rockets, mirrors and men with loud voices. We see vast fortunes ahead of us in this vibrant new world of communications. Le monde est notre huitre.
Global expansion
Of course, global expansion is our primary aim, with substantial infrastructural investment planned in the long term - namely the recruitment of a couple of dozen pygmies with their drums to cover the competitive North Atlantic market. We are even investing in small sou'westers and water-wings for the little fellows. Tiny lights will be attached to their heads so that food may be dropped to them every fortnight.
In the short term, we intend to consolidate our position in the domestic market. We have bought a large interest in a telephone kiosk in Talbot Street for a seven figure sum. The kiosk, qua kiosk, does not work, mind, nor has it since it was vandalised in 1957. But it has sizeable urea deposits, perhaps enough to permit a viable mining operation. If we were to float that mining operation on the stock market, we would of course conceal its true nature with a title like Peecom. You can't float a share on a stock market these days unless it ends in com.
Once we have exhausted the urea deposits, we intend to open the kiosk as a going concern, with Esat, Telenor and BT having equal shares in it. We expect to sell Talbcom on after a year or so of operation for about £17 billion. We also have a minority holding in a small cubicle which could at a pinch be turned into a phone box. True, it is in Chad; but that is the way of risk capital.
But this is not our only venture. We have established a strategic alliance with a dynamic new company in Crossmaglen - Provcom, with extensive experience in culvert communications. It has proved to be a formidable opponent in the telecommunications marketplace, as its rivals, Sascom, will be the first to admit. It has, however, developed certain tactics - such as putting its opponents in a bath of cold water and submerging their heads for a couple of minutes at a time - which seem at first glance to be in violation of the guidelines of the Competition Authority.
Big player
On the other hand, its ability to thwart Britcom operations in South Armagh suggest that it will be a big player in the telecommunications battle, now that it has time on its hands. In Slabcom it has one of the most formidable chief executives going, though his business opponents do seem have an odd, even regrettable habit of not coming home and never being seen again. They have, no doubt, sought early retirement in Brazil. But the market likes a tough player, and Provcom in South Armagh and elsewhere is nothing if it's not tough.
And versatile. Who would ever have guessed that OCDerrycom would one day be MinEdCom? That's the way in the communications world. Things change faster than you can say. That's why Diarcom is linking up both with Provcom, with its extensive culvert network already in place, and with Bluenosecom, to make a pincer move on the Northern Irish market.
We also plan to revitalise a number of companies by renaming them and launching them on the stock market. We have an eye on a small huckster's shop on the crossroads between Horses Leap and At-Swim-Two-Birds. It has a single bleached packet of Omo in its window, the other packet having been sold in 1972. Foodstuffs for sale within include a tin of Spam, some Erin dried peas from 1967, and an elderly orange. Since the motorway was constructed, there is no passing traffic, other than that immediately overhead, for it is directly beneath a flyover - and the local population all moved away when the neighbouring chemical plant was built and its effusions destroyed five square miles of countryside.
Worth how much? Less than nothing as it stands. Rename it Huckstercom, give it an email address, announce that it has a telephone (capable on occasion of reaching phones up to a mile away) and then launch it on the stock market, and it will rocket up the ISEQ as if its owner - who is 95, wears brown stockings rolled down around her ankles and had a bath as recently as 1958 - were a computer genius who had invented a megabyte memory that could fit under an ant's eyelid. One night she goes to bed a pauper; by noon the next day she is only moderately poorer than the Sultan of Brunei.
World of sport
Nor do we intend to confine our activities to the conventional commercial world. We have been looking at what we regard as the undercapitalised world of sport. Roscommon Town FC, whose weekly gate often reaches two or even three pounds, would be transformed into the footballing powerhouse of Europe once we have called it Roscom and launched it on the Irish stock market. It needn't attract any more spectators, or win any more matches, or play any better than it does. These qualities are irrelevant in the hall of mirrors which is conjured into existence with a wave of the magic wandcom.
Such investments are foolproof, and well worth borrowing for. And one day, we shall all wake up and find a spanking new and perfectly irresistible company to put all our life savings in: Southseacom.