Why do people buy newspapers? There are many reasons and some of them make uncomfortable reading for journalists. Columnists such as Fintan O'Toole have a well-deserved following, but so too have the temperature tables from world capitals.
For some it is not the comprehensive Dail coverage but Doonesbury which is the decider. A former editor of this newspaper, Douglas Gageby, observed that some people buy newspapers to find out the date. At a time of considerable political controversy, a Cabinet minister told me the first thing he looked at in his Irish Times was not the front page headline, but the bridge column. And there are those who turn first to the births, marriages and deaths.
Chinese proverb
There's a Chinese proverb which says that if you sit on a bridge and live long enough you'll see the bodies of all your enemies floating downstream. It seems that more women than men read the births and marriage notices, but the deaths attract a more evenly split audience. In the end there are more women readers there too, because women live longer than men.
The vigilant reader will notice that there are conventions in the way death notices are expressed. Some deaths - those of children and young people, and untimely deaths in tragic circumstances - are too painful to contemplate. It is the others which concern me.
Remember this is one of two important parts of the newspaper which the readers write. (The other is the real gem at the heart of the newspaper - the Letters page.) For a variety of reasons there are unintended hilarities. A notice some time ago recorded the passing of a person "known throughout the length and breadth of West Cork for his devotion to the Scared [sic] Heart". And the juxtaposition of prayers and mottoes at the end of a notice can set up unintended conflicts. I saw one a notice which ended with the line: "United again with his beloved Maura". The following death notice baldly stated: "With Christ, which is far better." Poor Maura.
As Ireland changes, the wording of death notices are beginning to change. There are fewer references to the departed "reposing in the bosom of the Lord". We are beginning to see the American style of death notice which sets out to tell the life story of the deceased, rather than just recording bare details and advising friends how to attend the obsequies: "Joe Dougherty was born in X and educated in Y. He married Z and their three children were born in New York where he served in the police department for 40 years, rising to the rank of captain."
Obituary columns
The growth of newspaper obituary columns is part of the understanding that everyone has a story and that in some way, be it in the pages of a newspaper, or within a family's word of mouth, it should be told. "When my mother died, my father went too," a colleague told me. Although his father had died many years earlier, his memory had been kept alive by the reminiscences of his wife.
Death notices in provincial papers often contain the following admonition: "English and American papers, please copy." There's an engaging suggestion there of the enormous presses of the Baltimore Sun about to roll, when the Roscommon Herald arrives by post. "Hold the back page," roars the city editor, "Paddy Murphy is dead."
In some parts of Northern Ireland, there is a tradition of multiple death notices. The principal one is placed by the family of the deceased. Friends and others place ancillary notices as a mark of respect to the deceased and to express sympathy with the bereaved.
Solemn warning
Just as the Allies were preparing to take Cologne in the dying months of the second World War my own arrival in this world (the two events are not connected) was recorded in the births column. Sooner or later, preferably later, my passing will appear in the adjoining column. When I was at school, something happened which I have never forgotten. I was given a very solemn warning by a teacher: "If you carry on acting the bowsie like you are now, you'll die roaring!"
Well I have, and I probably will. For the sake of historical accuracy I should like my death notice to record this. Instead of "peacefully at his residence", or some such anodyne rubric, let us have the unvarnished truth: "Fagan died roaring, a bowsie to the end, as predicted by Brother O'Leary."
As I shall not be around to check that my last wishes are respected, I hope some vigilant reader, blessed with greater longevity than I, will monitor the situation on my behalf - and if the record is wrong will see it is corrected.
And wherever I am, be it Heaven (for comfort), or Hell (for company), I shall be eternally in the reader's debt.