The Hollywood mogul called his advisers about his planned multimillion-dollar epic about the Troubles. "I been reading my history books, OK, so I don't need no lectures on the IRA's yooman rights struggle in North Ireland.
"Here's the deal. The troubles start off when the guys in red berets, what do you call them, the Paras, attack Gerry Adams as he leads a yooman rights march. I see Gerry Adams being played by Brad Pitt here, and the officer in charge of the Paras, that Field Marshall Montgomery guy, I kind of fancy should be played by whoever we can get to play a stupid Brit. Don't matter who, so long as he's a stupid, vicious Brit. That ain't difficult. That's the Brits for you.
Dunkirk
"Now we got to give this Montgomery guy a motive, so we start the movie back in 1940, when the US Navy saves the cowardly, stinking Brits at Dunkirk. The man who rescues Montgomery - who, naturally, is hiding behind a sand-dune drinking champagne and sending his men to pointless deaths - is a brave Irish-American, we'll call him O'Murphy, who after the war is over returns to his Irish roots, and starts the Irish Civil Rights movement. He recruits young Gerry Adams, and the pair of them plan the march. Only they get ambushed by this Montgomery guy who's never forgiven O'Murphy for saving him, and O'Murphy is shot. With his dying breath, he asks Gerry Adams to avenge him. And that's how the Troubles begin. Any questions?
"Good. At this point we got to stray from the historical sequence a little bit, because I know the 1916 executions are not really part of the Troubles this time round, but guys, they're one heck of a good story. So, the British try the civil rights marchers and execute them, James Connolly strapped to his chair, et cetera, but Gerry Adams escapes and goes on to lead the yooman rights struggle from his secret hideaway at the crossroads outside Dublin. So now he's got a double debt to pay.
"But hey. We gotta recognise the realities of the times we live in. You figure we can portray a yooman rights struggle without any blacks, gays or women? No way. Not these days. So we adapt things a little bit. You take that little elf guy - what do you call him, McBudweiser or whatever - does he need to be white? Heck no. We can make him the son of a black slave the British imported into Ireland, played maybe by Michael Jackson. Think about it. We can have a scene re-enacting the brutal British raid on the African village, which starts off being real neat, chickens pecking and thatched roofs, that kind of thing, with tribal elders teaching reading and writing and wisdom and stuff, and ends up burning, the women raped, and the little Afro-leprechaun's ancestors being carried off in chains.
"What about women? Okay, I see Sigourney Weaver playing that Bernadette Devlin broad. We can maybe have a love interest between her and the little Afro-elf, what do you call him, McMillerlite. Too risky, the trans-racial sex? Maybe. So we get Diana Ross to play that singing broad, Dana, and she can have a fling with the pixie. And we can widen it, get the sisters onside, with Dana opening an abortion clinic in downtown Drumcree. Yooman rights, pro choice, et cetera.
Sexy Joanna
"OK, OK, I know, I know, we got this guy Hume who's been pretty active over there, but guys, come on, is he sexy? Is he box office? Is he gonna put asses on seats? So we make John Hume sexy. How? We make him into Joanna Hume, a fearless yooman rights campaigner who we see with the little black leprechaun, McHeneiken, leading a crowd protesting the civil rights executions in Dublin. But see - and here's the angle - this Montgomery guy, he's already got the hots for this Hume broad. You see where I'm coming from here? Now we got a serious conflict situation arising.
"Especially - and seatbelts on guys, the ride gets rocky here - this Hume character is gonna be played by Madonna. Ain't that sumpin? She's insisted on at least three minutes of full frontal noodity and four orgasms. She thinks a lesbian love scene with Naomi Campbell, who'll be playing that weird Protestant guy, what do you call him, Dennis Tremble, is essential, but I don't know. Maybe it'll work. I'll get you scriptwriter guys to come up with something plausible. Maybe a threesome with McCarlsberg? Check it out, guys.
Bishop
"Something else. The US audience expects an Irish film to have a bishop, and I got the very person for you. Sinead O'Connor. I understand she's a real bishop back home. That's a real progressive church they have over there in Dublin, Ireland. She can play an Irish cardinal whose housekeeper is killed by the British terror-police, the Black & Whites. She can sing Glockamorrah over the graveside, and then swear to avenge her death. Daytime she's a prelate, but nights, she's a Captain Moonlight. You see her and her gallant American ally, Paul Revere, played by Leonardo di Caprio, ambushing a party of redcoats, with muskets, sabres and stuff, but are back home by dawn, like regular citizens.
"At this point, for filmic purposes, we gotta depart somewhat from the literal historical truth. Maude Gonne, played for contractual reasons by Sylvester Stallone, is ambushed by a party of Viet Cong in uptown Garvaghy. Meantime. . .