The problem with The Irish Times - as I see it, y'know - is that it's so totally middle aged. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's like, not in touch with young people, y'know? So, here in An Irishman's Diary, we're like, going to change all that, right? Starting with the subject matter, okay? I mean, the stuff you normally get here, that is SO not cool. And, like, the writing, it's so old-fashioned it's weird.
Here's my point, right Like, I was out with Altum and Sofer in the Chocolate Bar the other night. We were just hanging out, hitting the Red Bull and vodka, you know? And we were talking about newspapers, and Siofra, she's like, omigahd, I don't BELIEVE the things you get in that funny column in the middle of The Irish Times. Yawnsville or what? I mean, like, you'd expect something totally cool, who's clubbing where, who's hot, who's not, stuff about the movies, Hollywood, et cetera, relevant stuff, not that crap about boring old Northern Ireland - though I think Gerry Adams is SO cool - and what else, like Irish history and that sort of stuff. That is SO not interesting, okay?
Private thoughts
And Ultan, he's like, Yeah, right, it's so not interesting that's it's unreal, bla bla bla. How totally weird can you get, bla bla bla. And I'm like, nodding my head, because I can't believe what I'm hearing, because, hey, I've been thinking stuff like this for, like, ever, only privately, and now here are two best mates saying the identical same things. I mean, that's so unreal, y'know, it's spooky. And I'm like, I DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING, GUYS, THIS IS SO TOTALLY WEIRD. I thought I was the only one who thought like that, right?
So this is, like, a new leaf. okay? We're so totally after a young audience in The Irish Times that's it's not funny, and it starts here. We are going to be so cool here, guys, that you could catch a cold. This'll be the place to chill out, take it easy, find out what's going on, y'know?
I mean, did you hear about Fionan and Emma, they had a bust up, right? Jason told me, and I was like, OMIGAHD, that is unbelievable, because, you see, they'd been going round for like ever - right? - a majorly serious item. But Fionan had the hots for Aoife, okay? He took her to her debs when Roddy - who was her ex , but they were still best mates, and they'd go clubbing et cetera - got sick, I mean wasted, right, after dropping a tab too many, and his parents grounded him, bla bla bla.
Totally cool
That's when Fionan stepped in, and Emma SO didn't mind. I was like, YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS, FIONAN is such a hunk - right? - and she was like, It's totally cool, Aoife and me have been bestest friends since way back when. And she sort of had a point, okay? I mean, they went to the Gaeltacht together, you know, and all sorts of other stuff, bla-de-bla-de-bla. But in her place, right, I wouldn't have let him go to the debs, not with Aoife, she is SUCH a tramp. She is SO not to be trusted.
Anyway, Fionan and Aoife went to the debs, and got totally rat-arsed, completely smashed, and at the end, at the very end, - right? - they start snogging. I mean, I guess they thought nobody could see them, but like it was SO obvious that everyone could, like right there, out in the open. I was there with a crowd from St Humphrey's and didn't see it at first, but Una came up to us and she was like, I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING, GUYS, THIS IS SO TOTALLY AMAZING.
And we, like, look, and there they are, like really getting stuck into one another; okay? And I was like, WOW, because it was totally unreal. But next day, like, no-one said anything, and we were like, that's cool, it's all blown over, et cetera et cetera, but obviously it hadn't, because Fionan and Emma have split up, and Fionan's with Aoife now, and Emma, you won't believe this, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS, she's started going out with Ultan, okay?
Charity ball
I am totally serious, guys. Una saw them in the Porsche his old man bought him for his 18th birthday, and she texted me there and then, and I was like, DA-DA, because I thought all along that Aoife had the hots for Ultan, they were at that charity ball last year, and she was SO obvious it was like WEIRD. Now they're an item, and I'd sussed it from the start. Wicked.
But hey, since then the scene has moved on, you know? Way cool. You'll never believe who I saw in the Shelbourne the other day. She walked into the bar wearing a see-through blouse and this little miniskirt, tiny, and I'm like, ohmigahd, it's Julia Roberts. She was like trying to pick up this guy, and he was such a babe, and he was like having none of it. He was like, Sorry, get real, like, you're way too old for me, and she was like GAGGING for it, and he was like, OH PUL-EASE. He was so not on for it, it wasn't true. You know who he was? He was that way cool person who writes An Irishman's Diary. What's his name?