An Irishman's Diary is pleased and proud to print world exclusive extracts from the Joe Jacob master plan for dealing with a thermonuclear attack on Ireland. The Minister fully expects copies of this plan to be available from your local post office within several days of any nuclear explosions taking place, provided they occur within office hours (excluding lunch, 12.30 to 2.30), and do not occur over the Christmas period, Easter or the summer holidays. Estimated post office waiting time, three weeks.
Bring food, water, and a silver-coated nuclear-radiation suit (with gussets for greater personal hygiene).
Alternatively, the thermonuclear attack hotline will be open for two hours a day, weekdays only. It won't be available on weekends, bank holidays, or holy days of obligation, primarily because the Minister says, what sort of Christian is it who'd be so cowardly as to launch nuclear attacks when people are either going to church or are doing their shopping? Quite, Minister.
Series of options
The hotline has a recorded series of options. "If you are on fire, and need assistance, press 1. If your home has been blown into the Atlantic Ocean and you no longer have any eyes, press 2. If you have lost one limb or more, and need some iodine tablets, press 3. If you are totally deaf and can't hear this message, press 4. If your hands have been blown off, press 5, followed by hash, quickly followed by star, otherwise you will revert to main menu. If only your teeth have survived the nuclear explosion, press 6, followed by your home phone number, then the number of your teeth's next of kin, and then that of your dentist. If your dentist is dead, press 7. If you have had sex with him, press 8. If your dentist is a she, press 9. Finally, if you are developing antlers, congratulations, you can get a job in the Christmas grotto in Clerys.
"If at any stage you need assistance from one of our highly trained customer service executives, and don't mind holding for a day or so, press 0." The Minister has also - with a sublime prescience - devised a number of subordinate answers for the questions on the main menu.
Legs on fire
So: if you've said yes to 1, you'll hear the following: "If your feet are on fire, press 1. If your legs are on fire below the knee, press 2. If they are on fire above the knee, press 3. If you are not quite sure, ring off, ask a friend or neighbour for their opinion, and phone the hotline again. If your torso is on fire, press 5. If your arms are burning, but not your hands, press 6. If your arms plus your hands are on fire, press 7. If your head is on fire, press 8. If you are on fire in any two of these places, press 9. If you are on fire in three places press 0. If you are on fire in any other combination, sorry, we are unable to help you at this time. Please ring off and contact us again when your fires are more easily explained."
If you have pressed 2 on the main menu, you will be asked: "If your house had two storeys and you had blue eyes, press 1. If it was a bungalow, and you had green eyes, press 2. If your dwelling place was a flat, and you wore spectacles, press 3. If you lived in a mobile home, no matter what colour your eyes, you are a Traveller, and on to the wrong number. Kindly ring off and dial the Traveller Hotline. If you lived in a tent, this is really fascinating. How are you still alive? The Gerry Ryan show would love to hear from you."
If you have pressed 3, indicating that you have lost limbs and would like some iodine tablets, you will be asked the following questions. "What kind of tablets would you like? If you want peppermint flavoured, press 1. Prawn cocktail flavour, press 2. If you want contraceptive iodine pills because you are having sex with your dentist, press 3. If your dentist is a woman, press 4. If she likes it kinky, press 5. If you are deaf because you are a Traveller and were outside when the bomb went off, we've told you before, buzz off. If you are deaf because your house was blown into the Atlantic and you are under water, press 6, though frankly, I think you should go back to the main menu and start again."
If you have pressed 5, indicating that your hands have been blown off, type in your home phone number, that of your dentist, and the opening chapter of your latest novel. This must be done swiftly or you will be automatically disconnected and you must start again.
Taking cover
If you pressed 6, indicating that only your teeth survived the nuclear explosion, the following options arise. "If you drank fluoridated water in the days when you had a body, press 1. If you have more than three fillings, press 2. If you ever had sex with your dentist in the course of root canal work, and it didn't hurt, press 3. If your dentist was a Traveller, how fascinating, press 4. If your teeth are developing body-hair, press 5. If they have started to knit woolly mittens, they clearly need counselling, so press. 6 Unfortunately, we must now temporarily discontinue this hotline service because this tape recorder is taking cover. Ring us next year, why don't you?