The head of Personnel Employment & Vetting at the UCD Smurfit Business School gazed out of his window and thought: what a very profitable day it had been. Two new members of staff, recruited from abroad, had arrived with the most astonishing references and qualifications.
Firstly, there had been young Barry Artane. "We're very flattered you've applied to work with us, considering your achievements," one of the interviewers observed, slightly awe-struck. "You say here that you turned down the Harvard Business School, MIT, the London School of Economics, the Sorbonne and the Vanderbilt School of Management. Just one question: Why?"
Barry Artane drew out a pipe, filled it at his leisure, ignited a match with his thumbnail and, having genially lit up, simply smiled. He thought for a while. "I guess that's the kind of guy I am."
There was a slight intaking of breath as one of the female members of the panel seemed to enter the early stages of orgasm.
Modest about achievements
"You are very modest, considering your achievements," whispered one of her male companions to the interviewee. "And so young, too. Yet I see here that you started Microsoft with Bill Gates. Might I ask: how did the pair of you come to split up?"
Barry Artane uttered a baritone chuckle. "You sure can. Now that it's not a state secret, that is. I was deputed to run the space shuttle programme, from drawing board to touchdown. Brought the project in six months before time and a cool billion under budget. The CIA asked me to keep it quiet, up until now, that is."
"Most impressive," said a panellist. "That explains the gap in your CV, which was after you saved Chrysler Motors, is that right? I always thought Lee Iacocca was responsible for that."
"Lee? He's a good guy, but kind of likes to boast a little. Hell, that's the way he is, and this is the way I am. I shun the limelight. Do my job and just move on." He emitted another little chuckle, and the panting sound from amid the panellists intensified.
"The Chrysler business I understand," said another panellist who was rather more in control of his physical responses than his companion. "But then you went on to found Virgin Airways with Richard Branson. That must have been a challenge."
"Sure. But I live and breathe challenges. Why, that's why I took over at the World Bank. Cut international inflation by three percentage points in my first month in office. Kind of satisfying, you know, like getting the Jumbo going."
"You were behind the 747 as well?" The question was breathed with a low reverence.
"Project manager, chief accountant, chief engineer for the whole thing. Well, that's my background - a bit of management, a bit of accountancy, and of course, aeronautical engineering. Came in handy when I ran the F15 project for McDonnell."
Series of gasps
There was a series of low gasps culminating in a deep grunt, and a female form slid from its desk and onto the floor, where it lay, gasping.
"You did the Eagle?" cried a male voice. " But that's incredible! You could get a job anywhere!"
"Yeah, maybe, but I like to pay my dues to society, to the young people of Ireland, land of my ancestors."
The chairman of the interviewing panel stared around at his fellows. They all nodded, barely perceptively, while from the floor, a voice moaned, "We are not worthy, we are not worthy."
"Well, I'm delighted to say that we are unanimous in offering you the position of junior under-lecturer's assistant." The panellists beamed around approvingly as the interviewee departed, to be replaced by another.
"You say here that you organised Live Aid in 1985, which helped raise £40 million for the poor of Africa. Why did I think that Bob Geldof had done that?"
The newcomer, an Englishman of middle years, beamed jovially. "Poor Bob. A decent fellow, but he gets these delusions. So I let him claim the credit. I like to be a backroom boy. Suits my temperament. Which is why I didn't get a credit for producing Star Wars." There was a gurgling of ecstasy from the floor and the gasping choke: "Another. I can't take it. Another." "Or the credit for the first Ford Mustang."
Between projects
"You did the Ford Mustang?"
"And the Ka," murmured the interviewee as he modestly examined his nails. "In between assignments for the Pentagon. I was project manager for the Cruise missile, and when I finished the Ford Ka, I masterminded the Stealth bomber. Even piloted the maiden flight.
"Did I mention inventing, launching and marketing Bailey's Cream Liqueur? No? Ah. A stupid oversight. Or Ferrero Rocher? Another one of my little wheezes."
"Enough," came the voice from the floor. "Enough already."
Thus it was, reflected the chairman of the interviewing panel as he gazed across the campus, that they had appointed a new professor of Chinese commercial law for the UCD Smurfit Business School.
One thing troubled him. Where had he heard the name Jeffrey Archer before?