"William Anthony Lawless, you have been guilty of contempt before this tribunal on many, many occasions. You have misled, bamboozled, misled, confused, misdirected us. You have presented documents which suggested that your income was less than that of an Ethiopian peasant, though you apparently own counties Kildare and Meath. You told us that you lived in a lean-to on the roundabout at the M50-N7 junction, though we now know you reside in fully half-a-dozen houses.
"Mr Lawless, you said that your total savings consisted of your First Communion money kept in a single Post Office account opened by your Mammy. In fact we now know that you have at least 235 foreign bank accounts, that you bankrupted Switzerland, that you bought Siberia, and that George Soros gives you breakfast in bed. We have uncovered many other scandals, such as the planning permissions scam which you ran in half-a-dozen counties, and the 'protection' service you provided to pubs and nightclubs.
Undermine tribunal
"You have set out to subvert the working of this tribunal, which was established by unanimous vote in the Dβil. None of us has ever encountered such perjury, so ambitious in scale, so comprehensive in detail, so fluent in presentation. And this is the most serious part of it all - for by attempting to undermine this tribunal, you have thereby been attempting to undermine society itself.
"The courts have in recent times been taking a serious attitude to deliberate, systematic flouting of the law, and we welcome this.
"We note, for example, that the Central Criminal Court recently sentenced a variety of brothel-keepers to between 12 and 18 months in prison and handed out fines of between £6,500 and £11,000.
"For the far more serious offence of misleading a tribunal, we therefore sentence you to five days in jail, and fine you £3,000."
"Your honour, m'client's more than happy to accept the finding of the court. Only, he was wondering if there's any chance of sentence not being imposed immediately? He has a horse running in the 3.15 in Haydock the day after tomorrow."
"Has he indeed? We can't have him missing that, now can we? Pray, is there a particularly convenient time for your client?"
"Ludship most kind, most generous, m'client's deeply appreciative, et cetera. Tell you the truth, melud, next week's not too hot either. Christmas shopping and all that, and m'client's hoping to get something special for the wife.
"She's had a hard couple of years with all these tribunals, and so on."
Family man
"Has she, the poor lamb? We are sorry to hear that. Mr Lawless, be so good as give your lady wife our very best wishes. How about the week after that?"
"Well, melud, we're into Christmas at that point, and m'client being a family man. . ." "Quite, quite, well what about the second week of the new year?"
"Skiing, melud. In the Rockies. For a month. And the jetlag's rather bad after a trip like that, west to east, awful, and m'client's prone to insomnia after long flights."
"Insomnia, eh? Don't be talking. Pure hell. So how are we fixed for late February?"
"No can do, melud. M'client's a religious man, takes Lent very seriously. Prison would be a luxury for him. It would be against his religion to go to prison in Lent."
"Yes, I quite see that. And then we're into Easter, and we can't have him going into jail during that season. How is he fixed for April?"
Daffodil grower
"Not too hot, melud. M'client's a champion daffodil grower, and the daffs are in their prime at that time of year. So April's out, I'm afraid. May's the same. Very fond of lilac, m'client."
"Rather partial to it myself. June's out, the Derby. How does July suit him?"
"It doesn't, melud. M'client's averse to Orange marches and likes to get away for that entire month."
"Of course. And in August we have the Apprentice Boys. September?"
"Start of the school year, melud."
"Say no more. October?"
"Conkers, melud."
"Quite. November?"
"Days getting very short, melud."
"December?" "Haydock again, melud. And then there's Christmas shopping and all that, and m'client's hoping to get something special for the wife. She's had a hard couple of years with all these tribunals, and so on. . ."