"M'Lud, the case before the court today is of the utmost gravity. The three accused planned to kidnap the President and her entire family. Their intention was to demand a couple of Airbuses to escape. They then planned to crash one plane onto the Oireachtas, during a full session of the Dáil and the Seanad."
"This sounds rather serious," observed the judge, peering over the top of his spectacles. "Of equal moment is your attire. Pray, what have you between your feet and your shoes?"
"M'lud?"
"Your shoes. What are you wearing inside your shoes?"
"Socks, m'lud."
"Socks," said the judge softly. "Socks. Indeed. I thank you for that iridescent pearl of sapience. No doubt you have little regard for the intellect of those who make it onto the bench. No doubt you think we are time-serving fools. And no doubt you are right. I bow to you in your superiority in all matters, save that of hosiery. Please tell the court: what is the design on those socks? The court - indeed the ladies and the gentlemen of the press, those gallant denizens of the fifth estate - yearn to learn about the design on your socks."
"I am unaware of the nature of the design on my socks. I left Dublin early this morning, and I merely took a pair from my sock drawer. And is it not the fourth estate, m'lud?"
Bare-faced effrontery
"Unaware of the nature of your socks. UNAWARE OF THE NATURE OF YOUR SOCKS? How dare you sir, how dare you, come into my court and have the bare-faced effrontery to talk such rubbish about the fourth estate and the fifth estate, when not merely are you unable to answer for the condition of your socks, but also, as you freely confess before us all, you know nothing whatever about them. You do this in my court, sirrah? My court? And in what part of your legal training did you learn that ignorance was a defence in law? Where did you acquire that little heresy? Not from King's Inns, I'll be bound, my fair bully. No, forsooth, this is a confection of your own idle devising. I will not have it, sir - do you hear me? I will not have it! Retract and apologise, else I'll have you flung in choky for contempt."
Triggering war
"My abject apologies, m'lud, both for my appearance, and my inexcusable ignorance. No doubt I was distracted by the stress of this prosecution. It is the State's case that the hijackers planned to fly the second plane into Sellafield, using a purloined Iraqi transponder aboard the plane to give the impression that this was an attack by Saddam Hussein, thereby triggering war."
"And those cufflinks, pray. Do you presume to come into this court with ivory cufflinks? How is this possible? I am a modest man, some would say too effacing for my own good, which is perhaps I why I used such dulcet tones when I addressed you before on the matter of cufflinks. Did I command? I did not. Did I raise my voice? I did not. I merely pointed out to you that ivory cufflinks are the height of frivolity, and that I would not tolerate them again. Yet here you are, flaunting these scandalous items before my eyes, as if I were powerless to protect the forum in which I have the honour to preside. Take them off this instant."
"Very good m'lud. There now. I trust the removal of the offending items is sufficient to allow me to continue with my outline. Simultaneously, another part of the gang intended to steal a missile-carrying submarine from Holy Loch in Scotland, and launch a nuclear attack on the USA, using Russian signals which would convince the Pentagon that Moscow had authorised the strike. Meanwhile. . ."
"One moment. Are you wearing a belt? Can this be possible? We in this fair isle are surely not so debased in honour and principle that a Senior Counsel - and, for whatever reason, one of no mean repute, either - can appear in a court wearing a belt. Are you not aware that belts are proscribed, but braces prescribed, sirrah? You are surely able to diagnose the difference a humble vowel can make, are you not? Thus you know that a con-man - dread word! - will dupe a dope, but a drugs dealer will do the reverse. Yes? Armed with this simple linguistic key, are you not able to understand how one must wear braces in court but must not wear belts?"
Lucid explication
"I thank m'lud for such a lucid explication of the perilous manner in which homophonic antonyms festoon the English language."
"Festoon? Did you say festoon? Can you really be unaware that I do not permit such a low expression in my court? It is cant sir, pure cant. It has the appearance of wishing to amalgamate the odious meanings of 'fester' and 'buffoon', two words which no gentleman would ever permit in his hearing."
"Beg m'lud's pardon. Meanwhile, other members of the gang intended to abduct, boil and eat the Pope."
"Marry, are my eyes deceiving me? How now, cullion! Art wearing bifocals? Gadzooks, sirrah, you have a pretty nerve to come before me WEARING BIFOCALS. 'Sblood, thou art a very varlet, and I'll see thee dead i' the spittle ere the day is done."