I am Bertie. Saddam Hussein is a bad man. But lots of people will die if there's a war. What to do? Oh, look! You're a Star is on the telly tonight. I am Bertie, writes Joe Humphreys.
What's this? European leaders write a joint letter calling for unity with the United States over Iraq? Why wasn't I asked to sign? I'm not saying I would have signed but I've "no difficulty" with the sentiments expressed. I might have expressed them differently. But, then, I am Bertie.
Seamus Heaney is my favourite poet. Whatever You Say, Say Nothing. Yeah, there's that one and Digging. They're my two favourite works, I think. I like You're a Star too. Or maybe it's Popstars I like. I wouldn't want to be held to it. I am Bertie, after all.
Manchester United will win the Premiership this year. Or they'll come second. Or possibly third. They're unlikely to come forth or fifth but you'd never know. I am Bertie.
On the one hand, I like Charles Sanders Peirce, the father of pragmatism. On the other, I like Michael D. Higgins. I'm Bertie.
Celebrity and pundit
I'm a statesman, a celebrity and a soccer pundit. I'm a republican, a nationalist and a fan of Man United - and the Dubs, of course. I'm a lad while being a new lad, and even a nouveau lad, and if there's anything newer than that I'm that too. I open chip vans, off-licences and champagne bars. I'm not just all things to all people. I am all people. I'm Bertie.
What's the secret of my success? There's a little bit of Bertie in everyone.
God bless the United Nations for helping me to avoid making a decision, and Fine Gael for making me look decisive. God help the people of Iraq, because I can't. I am Bertie.
Here's an idea: compromise and fudge. It has worked in Northern Ireland. It's the only thing that will work in Israel/Palestine. Why not Iraq too?
But where could we find a nation to act as an honest broker? And would it have a leader with such dreary skills that he could wear both sides down, bore them into submission? For this, we'd need the King of Compromise, the Pharaoh of Fudge, a politician with a proven track record in negotiating the most unlikely of deals, national pay agreements, coalitions, etc.
This, indeed, could be his moment of crowning glory, the culmination of a life's work dithering and back-tracking, vacillation and occasional edgy progress. This could be his time to stride across stage of global politics, to claim the applause of all right-thinking nations. Hear them cry his name. . .
What an idea! It couldn't possible be mine. I am Bertie. No one sits on the fence like me. Just watch!
Dublin Spire
On the design of the Dublin Spire: "I can't say I like it until I actually see it on the street. I'm not saying I don't like it. I quite frankly find it very hard to visualise what it will look like."
On the appointment of Ray Burke to Cabinet: "I made it absolutely clear that I knew he received money. But he had said. . .that he had done nothing wrong."
On crime: "Most weeks of most years people are saying the deterrents should not be courts, prisons or locking up young people, that we should be into rehabilitation, early detection and reform. . .My view is that you have to do a bit of both."
Go on! Try your best. I'm unshakeable.
OK, what's your position on Iraq?
"The Government totally and absolutely supports the position as set out by the Secretary General of the United Nations, Kofi Annan. We want to see a peaceful resolution to this issue."
Does that mean you oppose a war?
"Our preferred solution is that the Security Council debates the new report when it is issued. . .and agrees a new resolution."
Sure, but what if the US invades? What then?
"We would have to revert to the House, and the Government would have to make a decision. I hope it does not come to that. . ."
Military build-up
Of course, having to make a decision would be awful. But do you not fear the inevitable?
"Kofi Annan does not consider the military build-up to be an act of war."
Enough about Kofi Annan! What's your view?
"The Secretary General does not consider that we have commenced a war."
Lord help me! What is YOUR view?
"If there is no resolution at the UN. . ."
Yes.
"Or it does not get to debate or agree a resolution. . ."
Yes.
"And there is unilateral action by the US on its own, the US and the UK, or the US, the UK and others, without a mandate from the Security Council. . ."
Yes, yes, yes.
"We will have to consider the position at that stage."
I give up!
See. There's no point fighting. Vis inertiae. I am Bertie.