Welcome to an Irishman's Diary from Baghdad, and we're going over directly to the morning press briefing from the Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf. Good morning, Minister.
Good morning, and is very good morning indeed. Coalition Zionist pigs are fleeing Iraq, and our beloved Saddam, prince among princes, is in the fan against the invader.
But Minister, there's a US tank outside the Ministry at this very minute.
Is trick! Done with mirrors. Is Hollywood special effectings, Jews, et cetera. Saddam will smash mirrors, drive infidel special effectings into the sea, Allah is good!
Minister, the tank just fired at the building over there and the building fell over. Is the building a mirror as well?
You very funny guy. Ha ha ha. No building, is not a mirror, building is building. Part of elaborate Saddam trapping to defeat Jews, British, American imperialists. You watch and wait while Saddam, he outwitting invaders, Bush, et cetera. Draw in tanks and then bang, chops their headses off, chop chop chop, Bush crying, Me surrender, Saddam he saying No way, mister hot shot big guy, we get you, close US down, get rid of Jews, give Virginia back to Virgins, and so on, et cetera.
Minister, I can see US soldiers advancing down that street there. Look, they've just taken some Republican Guards prisoner.
Not prisoner. They commandos. Very hush hush. You watch. They play big trick, go to prisoner of war camp, launch rising, take over Washington, boom boom, no more Washington. Everything going to plan. We very happy, thank you.
Minister, the Americans and the British appear to have freedom of the skies, and are able to bomb at will.
Who this Will? He no Iraqi! This Will, he damned CIA stooge, and those planes, they our planes, Saddam air force, bombing this Will. Soon Will dead, and infidel invader will being driven into the seas, everything going very nicely, we happy. Next question.
Minister, why are those aircraft bombing Saddam's palace there? Look, see the bombs falling, one, two, three.
Three bombs. Three tiny bombs. Pathetic. Allies thinking Iraq collapsing because of three bombs. We spitting on your three bombs. Ha! We winning war, because we gotting the bombs, we gotting the power.
Minister, we hear the British are in Basra.
British in Basra, is good joke, yes? British never left Bucking Palace, Colour of the Troopings, like in picture book, House Keeping Cavalry, very funny, Saddam, he not worried by British, joke, ha ha ha. Basra loyal to Saddam for ever.
There are reports that the Americans have found weapons of mass destruction.
No weapons of mass destruction. We peacefulling people. Only weapons of mass destruction American, British to massacre Iraqi peoples, womens, childrens.
Minister, we hear the British have made a laser-guided concrete bomb to destroy buildings, without doing damage around them. What do you say to that?
Ha! Terrorist alliance doomed, run out of explosings, throwing lumps of cement, poor British, ha ha ha. Ah hello, Tables of the Round Knights next, Sir Gallalot and Lord Lance-a-lad, see, I reading my British histories, no mug, me. Next!
Minister, what about that US armoured column which is drawing up outside the buildings here, right now? No US column. Column is our column. Us not US. Ha ha ha, my little joke, our tanks everywhere, blowing up American tanks. Abrams. Jew-tanks. Zionist money-lending tanks. No match for Iraqi tanks, boom boom boom. Abram Jew tanks fleeing Iraq, our missiles shooting down US, British planes, glorious victory coming soon, you waiting and seeing.
Minister, there are reports of uprisings in Baghdad.
Not risings, rejoicings at allied defeatings, but many risings in America. Many many local minority risings, Mormon, Hillbilly, Hamish riotings, President Bush soon overthrown, not like Saddam, Saddam good peoples, victory round bend.
Saddam good? He's gassed thousands, dropped ballistic missiles into four neighbouring countries, started wars which have killed over a million people, and had thousands of his citizens tortured to death. Minister, he's the most evil man on earth.
Evil? You speaking tommy rot. Look at marchings against Bush and Blair. Everywhere! Even in West! Where marchings against Saddam? Where?
Never no marchings against Saddam. Only marchings against Bush and Blair. Am I right?
Yes Minister.