YOU MAY NOT get free cocktails on most US air carriers these days, but you do get to take away your very own copy of the Sky Mall catalogue. Recently, I spent a lot of time flying backwards and forwards in the US, and the Sky Mall catalogue engrossed me so much I almost forgot the reason I was still in the US – the Icelandic volcano.
The Sky Mall catalogue runs to 148 pages, and when I had finished it, I started again at the beginning. Forget cigarettes, cultivated pearls, perfume, model aircraft and bottles of whiskey. The charms of the Sky Mall catalogue extend over a wider range than the prairies of Texas. If consumer goods offer any insight into what a culture is composed of, then one may conclude that Americans have a very esoteric side. I guess we knew that already.
Where to begin? How about something you don’t associate with travelling 60,000ft in the air, such as a barbecue accessory. We all know that men are supposed to like barbecuing. At least that’s the popular myth, and one Sky Mall signs up to. So if you are a man and fall into this category, you may like the personalised “BBQ Branding Iron,” although you won’t get much chance to use it in-flight.
“Personalise your barbecue! Create a personalised meal by branding your steaks, chicken and burgers! Every man needs this stainless steel BBQ Branding Iron. Specify up to three initials.” ($79.95.)
If you are lucky enough to own a swimming pool, you will surely want the “Kaleidoscopic Pool Cruising Fish”. That’s if you can figure out what it is for, once you translate the wonderfully high-brow copy that accompanies the image of a plastic, see-through, illuminated fish. “This is the fish that autonomously cruises your swimming pool while emitting an array of lights that shimmer upon the water’s surface and through its depths. The fish’s tail gently undulates as it swims in random patterns through your pool . . .” ($39.95). It cruises autonomously. It emits lights. It undulates. Even Jaws, who did two of those three things, did not emit lights.
So you have the personalised branding iron, and the pool cruising fish. All your garden needs now is “The Spirit of Nottingham Woods Tree Sculpture”. Figuring out this one took me a little longer than the fish. A strange, large sculpture of a startled face stared up at me from the page. “Attaches to your tree,” the caption informed me. “In the woods near the artist’s Nottingham home [What artist? Who?], old men still tell tales peppered with fairies and tree people coming to life [fly me there immediately]. Artist Liam Manchester [oh, that’s him] selected a pliable composite [fake wood] that wraps around your tree and gives expression to those fabled spirits of old.” This fantastically useless object (sorry, Liam) is $19.95.
I may have been away from the office, but journalists are always looking for tools that might help them carry out their job. A new tool on me were the “Video Recording Sunglasses”, ($199.95). They come with a built-in camera that “allow you to discreetly record all that you see.” I beg to disagree. Even in an image roughly one tenth of their actual size, it is impossible to miss the large pinhole shape on the bridge of the glasses. Or indeed, the “built-in rechargeable battery” that bulges out on either side of the frames. Somehow, I do not think these would be popular with the investigative reporters who cover criminality.
Other sky-shopping offers include expensive face creams that promise to make your skin look better. Sky Mall has a “Face Trainer” that promises to “give your face a lift without needles or knives.” The face trainer looks like a balaclava. In fact, I’d swear it is a balaclava. How does it work? “Fits snugly over your face as you perform simple facial movements.” Apparently, you follow instructions for a face “work-out”. Embarrassed at the thought? Don’t worry. You don’t have to do it for long. “Just 10 minutes a day and your Face Trainer is all you need to look younger and healthier.” It didn’t have a price listing. Maybe because it’s priceless.
However, my absolute favourite item in the Sky Mall catalogue was “The Zombie of Montclair Moors Statue”. It was a grey-faced vaguely alarmed-looking man, or rather, all you see of him is his head, shoulders and arms (he comes in three pieces). In the photograph of the Zombie, he appears to be struggling to emerge from a pile of leaves. He looks rather foolish, and not at all as I ever imagined a zombie would look like – that is, during the two seconds of my life when I might have previously given that topic my attention.
“Not for the faint of heart, this life-sized, gray-toned zombie will claw his way out of your garden plot, office, or family room corner, pleading for assistance with the eeriest eyes you’ve ever seen. Captured in meticulous detail in quality designer resin and finished so realistically that you’ll swear you can hear him breathing!”
Perhaps the Zombie looks more convincing in three dimensions, but in two, he simply had the effect of making me laugh out loud. If you were thinking of putting him in the corner of your family room, he costs $89.95. Maybe I'll order him for the corner of the Irish Timesfeatures floor for those days when we need a little lift from quality designer resin.