A study that dogs may be able to learn up to 200 words has left experts excited. For most dog-owners it was obvious all along, writes Jim Sollisch
A recent study in the journal Science concludes that dogs may be able to master vocabularies of up to 200 words. The border collie in the study exhibited advanced reasoning skills, using the process of elimination to work out the meaning of new words.
These findings have the experts pretty excited. But I think the reaction of the average dog-owner would be either: "See, I told you Fluffy understands every word I say", or "that study doesn't begin to capture the brilliance of my little Fluffy".
Some 83 per cent of American dog owners refer to themselves as "mommy" or "daddy", according to a report in American Demographics. With 40 per cent of US homes having a dog, there are literally millions of doggie daddies and mommies out there.
And once you claim parenthood, you set about proving how smart your offspring is. My wife claims her human son, Jonah, could recite poetry at eight months. She's also sure her little Joey, a Yorkie-poodle mix, understands full sentences containing words even the dictionary has trouble defining, such as "actually" and "nevertheless". When I remind her that what Joey really hears when she talks is "Blah, blah, blah, blah, Joey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Joey", she looks at me with the tenderness she reserves for creatures that really don't have a clue - such as amoebas and snails.
Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs. Besides Joey, we live with Ribsy and Honey. Oh yeah, and five kids. And I also think dogs are brilliant. Way more brilliant than the study in Science suggests.
It's one thing to understand "bouncy ball" and yet another to get someone to buy you a massage, which is what 16 per cent of pet-owners did for their pets last year.
I understand words such as "verisimilitude" and not only can't I get anyone to buy me a massage, I also can't get my wife to scratch me behind the ears.
As a man, I greatly admire dogs. My brother and I share the same stretch goal: to take a nap in the afternoon of our birthdays. Last year, my brother's birthday fell on the day of the Ohio State v. Michigan football game. Instead of napping before the game, he got greedy and had a beer with lunch. He ended up falling asleep in the first quarter and missing the game.
My point is that dogs set their sights so much higher than men. Joey, for example, naps every hour. If you believe that humans acquire wealth in order to attain leisure, then Joey is one rich little guy.
Oh sure, there are lots of smart, talented dogs out there - dogs for the blind and bomb-sniffing dogs. You know, the working-class dogs. And while they're obviously intellectually gifted, they're not as smart as our dogs - the cute little aristocracy that runs so many households in America. These dogs are truly brilliant because they have persuaded us to love them beyond reason.