Newton's Optic: Bono has come here to play Jesus to the lepers in Newton Emerson's head, as the U2 star temporarily takes over as editor of the Optic
Following the success of Tuesday's experiment at the London Independent, this week's Optic column has been edited by Editor de Bono
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Minister for Health Mary Harney has launched a new telephone help-line to ease overcrowding in A&E units. "Is it getting better?" asks the recorded message. "Or do you feel the same?"
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"I want to run. I want to hide. I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside," said Northern Secretary Peter Hain on Monday, as he addressed the first session of the new Stormont Assembly.
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Dingle residents have renewed their appeal to retain English-language road signs in the area. "How are tourists supposed to find their way around?" asked one local publican. "The streets have no names."
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We can't believe the news today. The Bloody Sunday Inquiry report won't be published until next year at the earliest.
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At least 100 lorries full of waste will travel through the Dublin Port Tunnel every day to supply the Poolbeg incinerator, Dublin City Council has confirmed. "Look on the bright side," said a council spokesman. "We'll have an unforgettable fire."
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Iarnród Éireann drivers in Cork say they will not jump into their new trains until love comes to town. However, union leaders concede that the new trains are a vast improvement over the old ones, which frequently rattle and hum.
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A Bosnian asylum seeker has decided not to join the Afghan hunger strikers in St Patrick's Cathedral. "I'm not really sure I want to stay in Ireland after all," said Nadja Kovacevic. "I miss Sarajevo."
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Bertie Ahern has praised former taoiseach Charlie Haughey, claiming that the State owes much of its present prosperity to: "the courageous decisions taken in 1987 and 1988 by Mr Haughey and his government."
"You give yourself away, Mr Ahern," replied Fine Gael. "And you give, and you give, and you give yourself away."
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Emergency services are still on the scene at a Co Louth farm, where one man is caught on a barbed-wire fence. Paramedics say they can save his life, but they cannot save his pride.
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Top-selling 1980s band Clannad is planning a comeback, according to music industry sources. (Not in this lifetime - Ed.)
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A private consortium bidding for the M50 toll contract has promised to relieve congestion along the route.
"We say we'll give you a highway with no one on it," confirmed a spokesman.
"In return, we want diamonds on a ring of gold - and the story to remain untold."
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President Mary McAleese begins an official tour of the US this week. "The President is a huge U2 fan," said an Áras press officer.
"That's why her first stop will be New York, where the boys of the NYPD choir will be singing Galway Bay. That was U2, wasn't it?"