Drapier: There's no shortage of awards in this country, but have you ever noticed that politicians never win any of them?
Terrible really, particularly given the proximity of the UK and its enviable system of grandiose titles for our counterparts there to clap themselves and their cronies on the back with.
At the end of another long year, this is an imbalance that Drapier feels compelled to redress:
Party Leader of the Year
In a year when the Tánaiste chose voluntary exile in Angola and the Taoiseach was given a stern warning about enforced exile by the electorate, this was pretty much a one-horse race. As 2004 rolled in Enda Kenny was being written off by a sneering media as an irrelevant lightweight.
They said Fine Gael was facing meltdown, that it would lose seats in the local elections and possibly only win a single seat in Europe.
Now Kenny will sit down to his Christmas dinner in the knowledge that he has the credentials and the credibility to be taoiseach.
His personal popularity is soaring, not least because of his rapid improvement as a Dáil and media performer. And he has a party behind him that's united and hungry. How long is it since you could say that about Fine Gael?
Best Dáil Performer of the Year
Top of the pile here is the naked politician himself, Joe Higgins, whose clothes were purloined with such barefaced, but hardly red-faced, cheek by Bertie, thus providing one of the best bits of craic in the Dáil all year. Higgins made many top-notch contributions to debates during 2004, but it's for his colourful turn of phrase that Drapier gives him the nod, such as his likening of the Taoiseach to an Arabian prince as he pitches tent each year at the Galway races.
Best Backbencher of the Year
Highly regarded for his diligent, thoughtful and commonsense contributions in the Dáil, Fianna Fáil TD Pat Carey deserves considerable praise for his work on the European Convention on the Future of Europe. Of course, Carey shouldn't be a backbencher at all and could even be in the Cabinet if he didn't have the misfortune of sharing his Dublin North West constituency with the Taoiseach's brudder and half-car Minister, Noel.
Hardest Neck of the Year
Aside from his travails over PR contracts, Martin Cullen's unblushing defence of his role in the €50 million e-voting debacle sets a high standard, but even this pales beside the thoroughly ludicrous Aengus Ó Snodaigh's indignation over his close political associate, Niall Binead, being deemed to be subject to the law of the land, just like all of us non-Shinners.
Most Sympathy for An Oppressed Minority
Brian Cowen, who when asked why he didn't increase tax on cigarettes in the Budget, replied: "Ah, lads, give them a break. It's getting cold out there, you know."
In fairness to Cowen, he deserves a sackful of awards. He's easily the best performer in the Cabinet and during the year he effectively erased the opposition to his eventual inheritance of the FF leadership.
Hard Luck Story of the Year
Joint winners here are Michael D and Eamonn Ryan who almost made it to the start line in the race for the Áras, but never got the chance to run.
*****
It is with a mixture of frustration and despair that Drapier has watched defeat being snatched from the jaws of victory with the unravelling, for the moment at least, of the peace deal for the North.
While not wishing to denigrate the Taoiseach's enormous personal and political commitment to the negotiations, Drapier was always concerned that too high a price might be offered to secure a deal.
In addition to the willingness to barter with the right to justice of the McCabe family, it now transpires that the so-called comprehensive agreement was anything but comprehensive on the issue of ending criminal activity by the IRA. That's deeply worrying, regardless of all the reassurances since.
Meanwhile the H-word continues to be big in the political vernacular, and sure enough there's been some heavy-duty humiliation meted out in recent weeks. But it certainly hasn't been shipped by those puerile whingers from Sinn Féin/IRA who, like their counterparts in the DUP, have an aptitude for taking offence that is matched only by their willingness to dish it out.
The first sign of humiliation was the sight of Ahern and Blair in Belfast, left forlornly to carry the can for the wanton actions of SF and the DUP over the photographs issue.
This was followed by the almost manic demand for an apology from the Taoiseach by Ian Paisley for the merest pin prick of a perceived slight. But it's not just the Taoiseach or the Prime Minister they are humiliating. It is all of us who participate in the Irish and UK democracies.
Meanwhile, it has been galling in all of this to witness the apparent adoption of a protagonist's, rather than a reporter's, role by RTE's Tommie Gorman, and to a lesser extent Charlie Bird.
This is underlined when you hear RTÉ anchors in Dublin wishing the "best of luck" as they sign off from the trusty reporters, who one might think are about to dive back in to hard-nosed negotiations on behalf of the viewer.
*******
Whatever's on at the Gaiety over the festive season, you can't beat Leinster House for a decent bit of pantomime. Sometimes Drapier wonders why we don't go the whole hog and put on a show. There's no shortage of acting talent and, let's face it, the holidays are long enough that it wouldn't affect anyone's day job.
Of course there are many excellent candidates for the plum role of Grumpy from Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs, not least Brendan Howlin, who has continued to bite his party leader's backside at every available opportunity. Needless to say, there aren't many candidates for Snow White.
Despite the planning problems that brought it to prominence, Michael McDowell's lordly manor (not to mention manner) in Co Roscommon surely qualifies him for the role of Toad of Toad Hall, while the untameable John Deasy is bound to do a good Tarzan.
He's not around much any more, but Charlie McCreevy couldn't be left out either. The Tin Man from The Wizard Of Oz springs to mind ("If I only had a heart"), but given all his good work for the equine industry, surely the best part for him would be the back end of the pantomime horse.