Newton's Optic: A "magic force-field" will protect Ireland from bird flu, Mary Coughdrop tells Newton Emerson.
The Minister for Agriculture made the reassuring claim after meeting impartial scientific advisers from Reynolds Roast Turkey (and Some Ham) Ltd, Co Longford.
"The depression hanging over Europe's poultry industry draws cold air down from the Arctic," explained Ms Coughdrop yesterday. "This ensures that any birds heading for Ireland are safely frozen at high altitudes, before falling harmlessly on to cling-film stretched across the skylights of all major supermarkets."
The same Arctic airflow should stop sick, old or slightly dry birds from reaching Irish skies. "Of course, there are no absolute guarantees," added Ms Coughdrop. "Except deliciousness!"
Ireland is further protected from invading waders, waterfowl and seabirds by the Government- sponsored nitrate barrier, which ensures that any bird landing on Irish lakes, rivers or shores will be instantly killed by poisonous algae. The nitrate barrier is maintained free of charge by farmers, who are selflessly committed to custody of the environment.
"Europe only wants us to lower the nitrate barrier to weaken our defences against bird flu and stop our exports of delicious chicken," said Ms Coughdrop, after meeting impartial scientific advisers from Walshe's Pure Unadulterated Fertiliser Ltd, Co Laois.
However, some experts find the Minister's view on migratory birds hard to swallow. "While it is true that wild geese only ever leave Ireland, other species might make it through both the magic force-field and the nitrate barrier," said Siobhán Ó Súilleabháin, who studies abhián bhirál bhectórs at UCD. "It only takes one determined bustard to cause absolute chaos, as anyone in Fianna Fáil really ought to know."
Bird flu is most likely to be brought into the country by the often-spotted McAleese, which swans around the Middle East before heading north to ruffle feathers. The often-spotted McAleese interbreeds with several native species such as the cuckoo Martin, which loyally sits on bad eggs; the green parrot, which repeats the same phrases over and over again; and the Easter Island albatross, which hangs around everyone's neck.
The Government has prepared a series of measures in anticipation of a possible outbreak. If the disease is found in wild birds, all free range poultry will be brought indoors at once.
"This should be fairly straightforward, because most free-range poultry is actually raised indoors anyway," explained one delicious chicken producer yesterday.
If the disease spreads to farms, all infected flocks will be slaughtered, while all uninfected flocks will be vaccinated then slaughtered later, because no supermarket will buy them. If the disease occurs in humans, patients will be treated immediately from the Government's stockpile of useless medication. Women may also be tested for thrush.
If the disease starts passing from human to human, everyone will be advised to lick some algae and get it over with.
In the meantime, Ms Coughdrop has warned shoppers not to panic.
"We want to avoid the hysterical situation in Italy, for example, where poultry consumption has plummeted by 70 per cent just because a deadly disease might well have infected an entirely superfluous foodstuff.
"This is a serious threat to our economy," added the minister. "How will the free market survive if millions of consumers start making choices based on their own preferences?"
"People should not stop eating chicken because of bird flu," agreed Siobhán Ó Súilleabháin. "People should stop eating chicken because it is pumped full of antibiotics."