Newton's Optic:What Bertie might have said if Newton Emersonhad written thatspeech he delivered in Westminster
Mr Speaker, Lord Speaker, it gives me great pleasure to address both your houses instead of addressing my own house. Ours is a close, complex and difficult relationship which we have resolved through patience, friendship and at least one reference per paragraph to "our two islands". We remember it was Ireland which first elected a woman, Countess Markievicz, to Westminster, although she chose to attend Dáil Éireann in the tiara that Gerry Adams still wears today. We also remember the words of that great parliamentarian Daniel O'Connell, who said: "There is nothing morally right that is politically left."
They were the consistent champions of peaceful and violent nationalism, who helped us to consign arguments over the past to the annals of the past - except for the Great Famine, which I'll be mentioning twice.
The people of our two islands have woven a rich tapestry of culture over the centuries. One of the most creative moments in human history was the meeting between the English language and the Irish Taoiseach. Err, dat is, whatever, sure.
In sport, which apparently counts as culture in north Dublin, we also share so much. Earlier this year, the English and Irish rugby teams met in the magnificent headquarters of the Gaelic Athletic Association because another stadium wasn't available. We must never forget that you once opened fire in that stadium just as we must not remember why the other stadium never opened.
Last year, I was proud to commemorate the 90th anniversary of the Easter Rising. It was a hinge of history that opened the door to this atrocious metaphor. Then, after that business with Mary McAleese calling Protestants Nazis, we added a second hinge with a 90th anniversary commemoration of the Battle of the Somme. So now we can close the door again and open a window into a crisp new dawn.
This is a shining example of how the Spirals of accusation can be replaced with the Cheesy Wotsits of reconciliation, although it is still my passionate belief that Tayto tastes better in the South, just as unionists believe it tastes better in the North. As an Irish republican, it is my hope to see our salt and their vinegar united in peace. In an act full of the symbolism that symbolises all of these symbols, last week I had the honour of welcoming Ian Paisley to the site of the Battle of the Boyne. This was not so much a hinge of history as a fully fledged bracket - and no crisps or savoury snacks were involved. However, nuts have since been a problem. It is surely a miracle of our age that the undisputed leader of Ulster unionism can meet with the leader of the Irish Government on that battlefield, unless it was a miracle of his age (which admittedly is far more likely).
Of course, the subject of Ireland was not always welcome in this place. I recall the words of Gladstone, who said: "My whole political life has been governed by the Irish Question. We have been engaged in laboriously rolling up-hill the stone of Sisyphus."
Today, I can say that the Irish Question has been successfully changed so that some other sissy can fuss over it later.
That is the principle on which I stand. Mr Speaker, Lord Speaker, I will now sit.