NEWTON'S OPTIC: IN AN exclusive interview with the Irish Times, Michael Ryan of budget airline Leeryjet explains how he would tackle the issue of third-level fees.
"What I'd do, right, is reintroduce the fees but not tell the students until they arrived. 'Welcome to Snooty University,' I'd say. 'Tuition is free but there's a €5,000 surcharge for your rucksack.'
"You could also charge them extra for being fat or needing a wheelchair, whatever. The main point is that you don't ask for the money until they're stuck at registration, with no choice but to pay up or lose their three-year holiday. They'll learn that fast enough.
"Something also needs to be done about the Central Applications Office. It charges €45 a pop and another €10 for applying online. Why should universities accept bookings through a third party that adds its own fees? Adding on fees is the university's job. I'd turn away every student who hasn't booked their course directly and I'd sack every minister, civil servant and ex-taoiseach's ex-girlfriend who got in the way.
"If you don't have enough students to make a particular course profitable, just cancel it. You don't have to pay any compensation if you can claim 'extraordinary circumstances', like all the lecturers coming down with bird flu or unusually severe weather in the library.
"Offer the students another course, or a later course, or just leave them stranded in the snack bar for three days to see how many give up and go home. If anyone complains, tell them to phone a number that doesn't exist. They'll probably think it has something to do with rag week.
"Once you've got the punters settled in, there are plenty of other ways to extract the cash.
"Many students like to look 'cool' by carrying sports equipment or musical instruments. Charge them an extra €40. Swotty students like to sit at the front of the class. Charge them an extra €5.
"All students like to drink. Wheel a small trolley around campus full of watery beer in little cans at made-up exchange rates.
"The list just goes on and on. Seriously, only those eejits in Fianna Fáil could run this service at a loss.
"The Government really needs to take a look at third-level costs. Sack all the academics and hire them back through sub-contractors. They'll be a lot less bolshie once they're working for Egg-Head Temps Ltd.
"Students could be turned around a lot faster between terms. Get them all out of halls by setting off the fire alarm then get them all straight back in again by not reserving their rooms.
"The first rule of running a budget airline is 'only fly one type of plane'. Maybe universities should only offer one type of course? It would have to be something general, like sociology with dance and business studies. No science though. All those broken test tubes soon add up.
"Colleges need to sort out their marketing as well. For example, why not call Limerick University 'Dublin West University'? After all, there is a connecting bus, although obviously you'd want the students to use your own connecting bus at ten times the standard fare.
"In fact, why not just call all the universities in Ireland 'Dublin University'? Isn't everywhere much the same when you're drunk?"