CHAD DIARY:Duty and emotion collide as Christmas is overshadowed by heartbreaking news from home, writes Lieut Seán Byrne
OUR FIFTH major patrol before Christmas was always going to be a landmark for everyone. After it, we would be back in camp during Christmas week while our armoured personnel carrier company was on patrol. Then it would be into January, with home in sight for chalk-one personnel.
It turned out to be a memorable patrol. Our by now usual five-day patrol was extended to seven. The special representative to the United Nations secretary general, Victor Angelo, was visiting the area to conduct meetings. As we were leaving, we were retasked with remaining for the duration of his visit to provide additional security as it was close to the Sudanese border. This meant our return to Goz Beida was postponed from Friday till Sunday.
Heading back to camp, morale was high because Christmas was just around the corner.
Christmas tunes in our armoured personnel carrier with 50 degree heat . . . I couldn't really feel the Christmas vibe. But Live Aid did strike a note with its references to the burning sun and how "there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time".
Christmas Eve was work as usual, but later that evening an attempt was made by the officers of tent A1 to make the place look festive. Gen Luke O'Neill created a three-foot Christmas tree by cutting and shaping styrofoam and gluing on a few hundred green scouring pads. Clonakilty Foods generously provided fresh pork products, which were appreciatively wolfed down by all. Sausages and pudding just don't taste the same unless they're Irish!
Dinner that evening was, of course, the traditional turkey and ham accompanied with all the trimmings. Then back to relaxing. Army men may have the stereotypical reputation for being macho, but occasionally we do connect with our sensitive side as nine of us watched Love Actually on Christmas night.
There were no feelings of guilt as we consumed our own body weight in chocolate and sweets - we had a half-marathon to "look forward" to on St Stephen's morning.
As quick as it arrived, Christmas was over.
Saturday was still a rest day, but not for members of Recce Company as there were orders and patrol prep for our sixth patrol departing Monday.
I had been told earlier in the week that my grandmother was unwell. On Saturday evening I got the call I'd been afraid of all week. After a short illness, my gran had passed away.
I have lived with my gran since I was six. She was always in my everyday life. My parents' house is directly behind my grandmother's, but I lived with her to keep her company. I don't mind saying that as I was the only boy in a house full of girls, she spoiled me constantly, much to my sisters' jealousy.
I was confused because I always expected to take her death badly, but I didn't. Being out here in Chad had somehow insulated me from the grieving that was taking place at home.
My company commander had a few quiet words with me and asked if I wanted to try and get home or remain here.
I felt torn over wanting to return home to say goodbye to my grandmother and the responsibility I have to my platoon to remain with them and ensure their welfare.
One of my young troops lost a grandparent early in the trip and was unable to make it home and, after a lot of thought, I decided to stay also and go out on patrol to keep myself busy.
When I phoned home on Sunday and spoke to my dad, he completely understood and supported my decision. This was very important to me. I did, however, change my mind and told the company commander I wanted to remain in camp to be in contact with my family. He agreed and thought it was the right choice to make.
I'm extremely grateful for all the support I received from everyone. All the officers, NCOs and soldiers offered their sympathies. The battalion chaplain Fr Bob McCabe was very helpful, offering prayers and blessings all week. We organised a Mass on Tuesday evening, the day of the burial.
I didn't tell anyone about it, because I thought they might feel obliged to attend if I mentioned it. I have to admit I was moved by the attendance when I arrived. Without my knowledge, the word had been circulated.
Sgt Larry Doyle, along with all the members of my platoon and my company who were available, was there. The battalion commander and deputy commander, together with a host of other officers, NCOs and soldiers were all there to show their support.
While the males offered their sympathies, I could see their uneasiness and uncertainty at what to say. Credit must go to my female officer colleagues and friends who were very understanding and not afraid to ask the sensitive questions. I received e-mails, texts and phone calls from my friends at home offering their support; my sisters told me that all my friends were at the funeral.
I wasn't the only one who didn't make it home. Pauline couldn't travel home from Holland with her infant daughter. My cousin Tom, with whom I share an apartment in Dublin, couldn't get home from his holidays in Mexico. I phoned him on Skype to see how he was. He was disappointed neither of us would be there to carry the coffin for her.
But life goes on.
I was selected for a patrol on Thursday and Friday to escort vehicles to Force HQ in Abeche and back. The company patrol returned and the routine continues. The new year came and went like any other day. One more patrol left for Recce Company. Lots of paperwork and individual assessments had to be completed.
Staying busy is the best way to keep my platoon and myself focused and alert for the final few weeks.
I still feel bad that I didn't make it to my gran's funeral, considering all she did for me. I haven't really grieved yet either, maybe it will take some time for it to sink in and hit me.
But at the end of it all, she knows how special she is to me and how much I love her.
• Lieut Seán Byrne remains on duty with the Defence Forces in Chad