Newton's Optic: A group of people standing outside a tent pissing in will be asked to stand inside the tent and piss out, it has emerged.There are two Aherns in the Cabinet and twoÓglaigh Na hÉireann, so why not two Northern policies,asks Newton Emerson
Responding to a question last Wednesday that he had asked to be asked last Tuesday, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, Mr Dermot Ahern, said: "I believe it is only a matter of time before Sinn Féin stops being the political wing of the IRA and starts being the military wing of Fianna Fáil."
The comments were immediately criticised by the Tánaiste, Mary Harney. "Some may think it is better to stand inside the tent pissing out than to stand outside the tent pissing in," she said. "However, the Progressive Democrats believe it is even better to walk some distance away, go behind a tree, then wash your hands in a clear mountain stream."
In response Taoiseach Bertie Ahern moved to distance himself precisely half-way between last week's position and next week's position. Addressing the annual Fianna Fáil Wolfe Tones concert in Bodenstown on Sunday he said: "The essential point is that our Constitution states that there can only be one Óglaigh na hÉireann. At the moment there are two. That's it. That answers the question. Besides I didn't even know Dermot Ahern was doing an interview because I was in Asia, where there are no telephones."
This statement has been questioned by legal experts. "The essential point is not that our Constitution says there can only be one Óglaigh na hÉireann, but that Sinn Féin also has a constitution which says there can be only one Óglaigh na hÉireann and it is not the same Óglaigh na hÉireann," explained a human rights lawyer yesterday.
"So, in fact, the question is not how to get rid of the wrong Óglaigh na hÉireann but how to get rid of the wrong constitution before Sinn Féin is in a position to change the constitutional definition of 'wrong'. Also, there are plenty of telephones in Asia."
In a further worrying development for the Taoiseach there are signs that the shift in Northern policy over how honest to be about Northern policy is dividing Fianna Fail backbenchers.
East Cork TD Ned O'Keeffe said he would have no difficulty entering government with Sinn Féin as the IRA "is progressing rapidly in the right direction on punishment beatings and progressing rapidly in the left direction on everything else".
But other TDs said Mr O'Keeffe was mistaken and asked not to be named for the same reason, except for Dr Jim McDaid TD whose details are known to Sinn Féin already.
Sources close to the person who asked Dermot Ahern to ask reporters to ask him about the question of Sinn Féin in government indicate that either his statement was part of a deal with the DUP to restore power sharing in the North, or that this claim is part of a scheme to make a deal with Sinn Féin look better in the South.
"The main thing is to get both Sinn Féin and the DUP into the story," added the source.
"That way when a settlement is finally reached both sides will be able to take the blame." Sinn Féin itself reacted coolly to the Minister's prediction. "The DUP is still anti-agreement," national party chairperson Mitchel McLaughlin told RTÉ's Weak Politics programme on Sunday night. "So by definition there is no hope of us agreeing with them until they are pro-agreement, because we are anti-anti-agreement."
Writing in the new current affairs magazine, Vincent, party president-for-life Gerry Adams added: "We have no interest in ministerial seats for the sake of it. We certainly could not embrace, never mind support, the punitive anti-people measures which the conservative parties advocate."
A spokesman for Limerick Sinn Féin later denied that killing people was anti-people as long as those responsible progressed rapidly in any direction.
This reveals that the republican movement is taking a long-term view, according to Mr Pat Answer, Prof of Advanced Shinnerology at Dublin Sunday Business College.
"What Gerry Adams means is that Sinn Féin will not go into government as a minority coalition partner," explains the professor.
"They have seen how Fianna Fáil has used its dominant position to silence its critics, stifle its rivals and benefit from horrendous levels of corruption - and they won't settle for anything less themselves."
Meanwhile, in an unrelated development, residents of Dublin's Dunsink Lane have called for the immediate partition of Finglas. Sinn Féin's spokesman for equality, justice, policing and cheap diesel was unavailable for comment.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com