Good morning, and welcome to the new and expanded slot for corrections and clarifications. It is the policy of An Irishman's Diary's policy to correct inadvertent errors at the first possible opportunity.
Firstly, a recent diary item about Mr Tobias Kingfisher alleged that he owned the timeshare apartment block in which three tenants had died of Legionnaire's disease within a week. We now accept that Mr Kingfisher owns no such timeshare apartments and there were no such deaths. Otherwise, the Diary item was correct.
An earlier Diary alleged that his behaviour while watching the Muckross Abbey vs Holy Child Killiney match caused the Garda to be called. We now accept that he was not wearing the raincoat as reported, or that beneath that raincoat he was naked, or that he was regularly opening the raincoat at the players, to the obvious delight of Concepta Ni gCul (17), the Muckross goalkeeper. We also accept that in fact he was at that very moment having an audience with His Holiness the Pope in Rome. However, the main thrust of the Diary item was, in essence, correct. Concepta plays full-back. She is 18, and wears no underwear.
Mining engineer
Mr Kingfisher also wishes to point to some minor inaccuracies in an item about investments in the Waterford gasfield company, Port Lairge Gas Teo, which this column reported were made by him on foot of information gained improperly from his brother-in-law, Mr Obadiah Haddock, a mining engineer with Port Lairge Gas Teo. We now accept that Mr Kingfisher made no such investments. We accept that there is no company called Port Lairge Gas Teo and there is no mining engineer by the name of Obadiah Haddock. Mr Kingfisher is unmarried. The 15-year-old Muckross winger Concepta Ni gCul is a goer.
This brings us to a further item about the reasons for Mr Kingfisher's celibate state. We said it could be explained by the frequency he was seen loitering in certain locations in the Phoenix Park and near men's public convenience in Burgh Quay in Dublin. We now accept that Mr Kingfisher was in the park only once, and that the men he was speaking to were there for the same reason that he was: for the Pope's visit 20 years ago. We also accept that he has never been anywhere near the public convenience in Burgh Quay. We accept the word of Miss Stigmata Witherspoon that Mr Kingfisher has robustly heterosexual appetites, and we stand in awe of her account of how Mr Kingfisher celebrated the Galway victory in the All-Ireland final. The Muckross flanker Concepta Ni gCul is above the age of consent; and boy, does she prove it.
Match tickets
This brings us to the method by which Mr Kingfisher acquired tickets for himself and Miss Witherspoon. Mr Kingfisher wishes to point out that he did not use improper influence on the chairman of his local county board, Mr Jeremiah Whitebait, to acquire 200 tickets, two of which he kept and the rest he sold on the black market, that influence resulting from Mr Kingfisher discovering the chairman in flagrante delicto with Mr Obadiah Haddock, mining engineer, and Concepta Ni gCul, a hockey centre-half (17), in a car in Phoenix Park, where Mr Kingfisher was loitering for improper purposes.
We now accept that Mr Kingfisher bought only two tickets from Elvery's, for which he has the credit card receipts. We accept that Mr Jeremiah Whitebait was not the chairman of the county board, but had been dead for 15 years. We accept that Obadiah Haddock is not a mining engineer, and was not in the car in the Phoenix Park with anybody. We finally accept that Miss Concepta Ni gCul (19), a hockey umpire, was not in the car with Mr Kingfisher or anybody else. Which makes a change.
A further Diary item suggested that Mr Kingfisher obtained the said car - a BMW six-series - in the said Phoenix Park from the proceeds of a huge drugs deal involving the Whitebait gang led by the notorious Jeremiah of the same name. We reported that this involved three executions, personally carried out by Mr Kingfisher. We alleged that he introduced drugs to the entire upper sixth of Muckross Abbey, all of whom, including Concepta Ni gCul, he then recruited as narcotics peddlers and prostitutes. This turns out to be only partially correct. Miss Ni gCul plays midfield for the Muckross under-16s, and may be found any night in Fitzwilliam Square.
Driving test
Under terms of agreement reached with legal representatives of Miss Concepta Ni gCul and Mr Tobias Kingfisher, no further mention will be made of these two individuals in this column. So we will say nothing about the lesbian orgy in the hockey showers in which Miss Ni gCul deflowered a nonagenarian nun from Zaire, and we will maintain an austere silence about Mr Kingfisher's role in helping Robert Maxwell to rob 2,000 pensioners of their life-savings - provided, that is, that the former, a waitress at a certain coffee shop, finally consents to a knee-trembler at Mo Bangles, where romance begins, and the latter, a DoE driving tester, finally, on the 20th time of trying, lets a certain journalist pass his driving test.
Otherwise. . .