"Gut mornink, herr manatcher. It iss most gut off yoo to see me. My name iss Herr Johann Zwindler."
"Is it, by God? And my name's James Joyce, and I'm married to Martina Navratilova. How can I help you?"
"Tchames Tchoice? Za same name as za rhiter? Zat is amazing! Und on Tchames Tchoice un expert I amm! Ja! Trulich! An admirer! But in Tcherman only. My Innglish is not gut enuff zoo read Ulysses in Innglish. In Tcherman only. `Stattlich drall Buck Mulligan,' ja? Ha ha ha. Verr gut! Are you a rhelatif of Herr Joyce?"
"No, I'm not, and all this isn't necessary, you know. This is Tralee, after all. We ask no questions, look for no identification, just call you Paddy O'Sullivan, and there'll be no problem. Know what I mean?"
"Ja! I know! Und eet ees wunderbar! Your eye, it opens, zen its shuts - is it ill?"
"No it is not ill. All I am saying to you, Herr Schwindler, that this is Tralee, and we have more than roses here!"
"Ja, ja, Tralee verr pretty. Und you are Tchames Tchoice, ja? Und the great Tchames Tchoice was from Tralee, ja? I haff always sought that he from Dublin vos. Za Dubliners. Und setera."
Donner und blitzen
"Look, whatever your name is, cut the crap. It isn't necessary, you know. I'm sure I can help you out without this performance. A little bit subColditz, don't mention the war, donner und blitzen, ve haff means of making you talk, you know? So, no more of this James Joyce from Tralee, okay? We both know he wasn't from Tralee."
"Gut. My fhrends sink I an expert on Tchames Tchoice am. How shtupid me they would sink if Tchames Tchoice from Tralee really vos! And Martina Navratilova, she is from Tralee allso! Inbelievable! Und a tcheck I thought she vos!"
"She is a Czech. Please. How can I help you? We offer a very confidential service here. We dish the dirt here, if you take my drift. Clean as a whistle if you like. No dirt here, okay? Doesn't matter where you're from, if you take my drift, no real names, no pack drill."
"Forgiff me, my English is not gut enuff zu follow you, apart from ze first bit. So. Martina Navratilova here in Tralee now liffs! Iss gutt! But, forgiff me. In Tchermany people sink it is ze vimmin she likes! In Tchermany ve say that she duss the jiggy-jig mit ze frauleinen und ze damen, not mit ze men. Vot dumbkopfen ve are in Tchermany! So. She is married to you and liffs here in Tralee. Gut news, ho ho ho. Haff you many kinder?"
"Look, this is wearing a bit thin. Are you going to mess around all day here or what? I'm a busy man, I've got a lot of non-resident accounts here to attend to, you take my meaning. Non-resident accounts for people who are not all that non-resident. You understand?"
"Vot is the matter mit your eye? It opens then its shuts, opens and it shuts. Haff you somesing in it?"
"Not dirt, if that's what you mean. Is that what you mean? Are you asking me if there's any danger of dirt around here? Well, the answer is no. No dirt here. Okay? This is a dirt-free zone. Is that good enough for you?"
"Off course. Duss Martina a clean bank like?"
"Martina? Martina? There's no Martina here, okay, just a dirt-free bank, and look, I haven't got all day, so are we going to do business or what?"
"No Martina here! Ha ha ha ha, Herr Tchoice! Yoo Irish! Vot senses of funniness you haff! Tchames Tchoice, your relatiff, he was funny like zat, no? But Martina, she is not full of funninesses, no, yes? She a Tcheck. Glum. I understand. Tchamberlain. Zer Munchen Agreement. Peace in our Times. Nineteen sirty ate. Sixty years on, und cetera. Okay. She not like funninesses. But she a clean bank she likes! Zat is gut. A clean bank also I like!"
Herr Schwindler
"Look, my name is not Joyce, all right? Und Martina Navratilova my vife iss not. What am i talking about? I meant to say that Martina Navratilova is not my wife. And equally, you are not Herr Schwindler. So who are you?"
"You Irish! So funny! Full of funninesses! Zat is why I want to open an account here while in Tchermany I liff. Za bank manatchers in Tchermany no sense of funninesses haff! I like funninesses, Herr Tchoice!"
"Who are you? You can be who you bloody well like. Just tell me who you are. Please."
"I am Herr Johan Zwindler, und I vish to open a nonrhesident account mit your bank, ja?"
"Good day, Herr Zwindler, it was pleasant meeting you. I'm afraid this being Ireland, our non-resident business is strictly reserved for residents only. Gut day. Ze door behind you open iss."