Today Europe, tomorrow the world. Sinn Féin's ambition knows no bounds, writes Newton Emerson
Fresh from success in the Westminster, Stormont, European, Dáil and local council elections on both sides of the border, Sinn Féin is now poised to take a dramatic next step along the purely political path.
"We are confident of securing representation in the United States Senate," party President-for-life Gerry Adams told reporters yesterday. "For too long Dublin has ignored the right of Irish Americans to vote for a genuinely all-diaspora party." With 30 million potential supporters and a well-funded activist base already in place, political analysts suggest Sinn Féin could soon become the dominant voice of Northern nationalism in the 50 statelets. However, it seems this is only a foretaste of the party's new mood of participation.
"We are also confident of securing a seat at the United Nations General Assembly," added Mr Adams. "For too long Kofi Annan has ignored the results of the 1919 Dáil which make us the legitimate government of Ireland."
United Nations representation should put Sinn Féin in a position to offer further generous gestures towards normalisation. Yesterday Sinn Féin TD and former Dundalk bank manager Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin announced his application for associate membership of the World Bank. "For too long the world has ignored Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin, Dundalk and bank managers," explained Mr Adams, although he refused to comment on Catriona Ruane's rumoured appointment to the Latin American Free Trade Association.
However, The Irish Times understands that other party members will shortly stand for election to the Basque Regional Assembly, the Palestinian Authority and the African National Congress. "We have put a great deal of work in on the ground to build support in these areas," said Mr Adams, swivelling around in his chair beneath a large map of the world, fixing our reporter with a strangely cold smile and stroking a white kitten. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the kitten's name is "Saoirse".
Meanwhile the IRA has offered unofficial recognition to several international bodies pending Ard Fheis approval of their democratic legitimacy. Sources indicate that the Army Council wishes to join NATO, the Dublin docks gang have met the World Trade Organisation and Martin Ferris may take the helm at the International Maritime Organisation, although a split has emerged in the South Armagh Brigade over joining OPEC. "We prefer to think of ourselves as merely petroleum distributors," explained a contact near the Border yesterday. "Calling ourselves 'exporters' could be interpreted as an acknowledgement of partition."
The IRA has also been rebuffed by the International Monetary Fund. "Even we don't believe in privatised armies," said an IMF spokesman yesterday. Sinn Féin described the rejection as "rejectionist".
Predictably the issue of joining the British Commonwealth has proved especially problematic for republicans.
"We can't co-operate with the Commonwealth because it is fundamentally imperialist, capitalist, British and monarchist," explained Mr Adams. "Others must recognise that this has no bearing on our stated positions towards the American government, the European Parliament, the Stormont assembly or our offices at the Palace of Westminster. Or anything I might have said about respecting all traditions and reaching out to unionists, which was intended for our overseas audience."
Mr Adams credits Éamon de Valera as the inspiration for his new policy approach and claims that the party's tactical global dominance strategy has a legitimate historical precedent. "Dev was also a Sinn Féin leader who went on to become Taoiseach, president of the League of Nations, Irish president and an unofficial United States senator and all he had to do was split the party and start a civil war," explained Mr Adams. "The reality is that it is now over 30 years since I split the party and started a civil war and my patience with you people is not infinite."
While it might seem that Sinn Féin has the whole world at its feet, the party is still looking forward to future growth. "As you may know, Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry was an outspoken advocate of Irish unity," said Mr Adams, stroking his kitten with renewed vigour. "This clearly indicates that from the mid-22nd century onwards Sinn Féin will have a vital role to play, as will others including the media, in the United Federation of Planets. Eventually the Klingons will accept that we have a mandate."
However, Mr Adams dismissed suggestions that his party might join Fianna Fáil in a coalition government after the 2006 Irish parliamentary elections.
"Oh come on," he said, wiping a small crumb of comfort from his beard. "Now you're just being silly."
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com