Madam, - As I see an increasing number of younger people - late teens to early 30s - presenting with depression in my practice, I am prompted to write to remind parents of the significance of their words when dealing with their adult children. While many factors can contribute to depression, little is written about the significance of communication in this regard.
Again and again, I hear the following words that have been said either by a client's mother or father: "You could have done better in your Junior Cert/Leaving Cert." "You could have done as well as your sister/brother." "You'll never be any good." "You're so bright you'll get great results."
While there is a difference between the first three comments and the fourth one, each can generate negative feelings in the adult child. Each comment indicates a failure to accept the person as he or she actually is and creates an expectation. Repeatedly said, such comments stick so that regardless of the person's achievement, it just can't be "good enough".
Such a feeling of not being "good enough" can lead to a person feeling like a failure. A sense of failure and low self-worth is common to depression. As a person sinks lower into depression, he or she finds it increasingly difficult to function in daily life and needs to be reminded that anything done is an achievement.
Instead, however, parents may say: "I told you you'd never be any good"; "Look at you now, drinking too much and not going anywhere"; "I just don't understand you". Such comments reinforce the person's feeling of low self-worth and make good mental health harder to achieve.
So parents, as exams approach, please remember that each of your children is an individual and think of Oscar Wilde's words: "Comparisons are odious".
And when depression strikes, remember that everything is an achievement and that understanding, acceptance and encouragement can be extremely helpful.- Yours, etc.
NORMA CAIRNS, Counselling Psychologist, York Road, Dun Laoghaire, Co Dublin.