A chara, - The Gulag Express is a special pilgrimage train run by Iron Rot Eireann, a subsidiary of Coras Humper Eireann. It operates regularly on Friday evenings in summer from Dublin to Galway.
People who may be spiritually inclined have no need to go all the way to Croagh Patrick or St Patrick's Purgatory on Lough Derg. They can just join the queue for pilgrimage tickets on Friday evenings in Heuston Station and then squeeze their way in among the other standing-room-only pilgrims in that Galway-bound train. Those who wish to avoid the queues and order a standing-room-only reservation might try phoning IRE but should not expect to get an answer in this life!
One Friday evening last month, the Gulag Express departed from Heuston Station packed to the gunwales with men, women and children of all ages. Shortly after reaching Ballinasloe its speed dropped to 2 m.p.h. and then, as it approached Woodlawn, the engine gave up completely. As it was summertime, IRE had the heating fully on. It could not be turned off "as the engine had died", we were told. The windows seemed to be hermetically sealed and the electro-hydraulic doors could not be opened since, we were told, this was "dependent on an active engine".
With the heating fully on and the warm sunshine beating down on a disabled train stranded in the middle of nowhere, the tightly packed carriages reached oven-like temperatures. No rail staff and not even a ticket inspector was to be seen at any stage. When water or other fluids were sought it was stated that the service bar had been shut earlier in the journey due to insufficient change in the till.
As the situation began to reach the crisis stage a mobile telephone call was made to head office at Heuston Station. There was no reply. Then a call was made to Ballinasloe Station for water and some medical assistance; the response was that there was only one person in attendance and he could not do anything to assist. Then a call was made to the station in Galway, which stated that, being a Friday evening, "no buses or other means of transport are available".
As the hours passed and the oven conditions became progressively unbearable a call was made to the 999 emergency service seeking some practical assistance for those in distress. The operator said there was a railway emergency number but it was confidential and "not available to the public". After the crisis was described to her, she contacted this "railway emergency number" herself and requested action. After briefly listening to the circumstances the recipient of the call stated that it was Friday night and there was nothing he could do.
After what seemed like an eternity the poor old sick Gulag Express was towed to a recuperation bay. Most of the surviving passenger-pilgrims were seen gulping down large quantities of iced water or other beverages to satisfy their insatiable dehydration.
Don't be disappointed that you have missed this rare "experience". The Gulag Express is alive (though not always well) and is frequently providing similar pilgrimages on this route. - Is mise,
J.C. O'HANRAHAN, Monaree, Nenagh, Co Tipperary.