Panic is spreading from the Border counties as the Monaghan puma continues its deadly rampage. A very nervous Newton Emerson joined the hunt for the mysterious big cat in Co Monaghan.
Experts believe the animal sneaked into the Republic from Northern Ireland through a recently-abandoned red diesel pipeline, attracted by rich pickings among the comparatively tame local herds.
The latest attack came last night in the village of Clontibret where numerous sheep were savaged after having the wool pulled over their eyes. "I am now in the unprecedented position of having to claim compensation for livestock I actually owned," said distraught farmer Josias Bogman this morning.
Fianna Fáil councillor Leo Lyons expressed his horror at the incident. "Who would ever have thought that some black beast would come down here from the North and gobble up our poor innocent lambs?" he said. "This whole thing really gets my goat." A large number of Southern chickens have also been seriously traumatised.
In an exclusive interview with Farming Life and Death magazine, Taoiseach Bertie Ahern denied that he was worried about distemper but admitted that he was "slightly worried about dat temper".
Gardaí in Co Monaghan have called in a Lynx helicopter to search for the audacious predator, which witnesses describe as having "fierce claws, sharp teeth, a blood-curdling scream and the cutest little face you ever did see". The search began at daybreak near Clones where cub scouts claimed to have spotted a leopard but the target managed to escape by a whisker. "Despite initial setbacks I remain fully confident that we can deal with this threat," said Garda Chief Insp Bill Mason, speaking by radio from his 2.2-litre Jaguar. "It may try to flee but it will be collared."
However, police methods have been criticised by animal rights groups. "We will not permit the uniformed forces of this State to engage in a shoot-to-kill policy along the Border," warned a spokesman for the Cat Finucane Centre.
"Others, including the media, have a responsibility not to stir up hysteria over what will almost certainly turn out to be a harmless pussy."
With police snipers now positioned behind milk churns along the length of the N2, cat lovers across Ireland have urged the gardaí to adopt a more humane approach, but Insp Mason says the safety of his officers must remain paramount.
"We could probably tranquillise the animal if we got in close enough," he conceded, "but by the time the sedative effect kicked in, it could have given us all a very nasty bite indeed."
Government sources say the British government must take most of the blame for the crisis. Due to an oversight by Westminster, the 1985 Dangerous Wild Animals Act was never extended to Northern Ireland. As a result, the province has been plagued for many years by unlicensed exotic pets, including snakes, lizards, vultures, monkeys and any number of colourful parrots, almost all of which are highly poisonous.
But it is the popularity of big cats which has caused the most lasting damage to the environment. "We're still not sure what the attraction is," said a PSNI spokesman yesterday. "It seems that everyone in Northern Ireland wants to own their own pride."
Stormont attempted to address the situation with separate legislation in 1998 but this appears to have only scratched the furniture. "These animals have no respect for the Border, so once they escaped into the wild it was inevitable that they would also seek out territory in the Republic," explained Belfast Zoo feline expert Bob Tail. "You can either learn to live with the problem, like we have, or you can kill them. I'm afraid that those are your only two choices."
Belfast Zoo's last remaining puma was released from captivity earlier this year after a long campaign by Catriona Ruane.
Despite the commitment of gardaí and regular reports from a wary public, it is likely that the big cats are here to stay.
"There are several places near the Border where these animals can hide out indefinitely," admitted one security source yesterday. "The government knows exactly where they are and has done for years but it can't say so without getting caught by its own tail. We'll just have to hope that our new arrivals interbreed with the local strays, stick to rugs and catnapping, get adopted by a handful of lonely and frankly insane young women, and eventually become domesticated. Then we can neuter them."
In the meantime, with every passing day along the Border and further south, people will simply have to deal with what the cat drags in.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com