Newton's Optic Newton EmersonOrange Order spokesman Will March has condemned the international Islamic community for its reaction to Pope Benedict's recent remarks.
"What a bunch of amateurs," Mr March told reporters yesterday. "Call that a burning effigy? My kids could do better."
Mr March believes that Muslims must look to modernisers within their own faith if they want their victimhood to be taken seriously.
"Getting all worked up over a 14th century theological argument is completely ridiculous in this day and age," he said. "You should get worked up over a 17th century theological argument, like a normal person."
Mr March was also critical of media statements by prominent Muslim leaders. "There's no point moaning about how 'hurt and offended' they are either," he warned. "That just makes them sound like a bunch of Fenians."
Initial hopes that Pope Benedict's apology would resolve the crisis were dashed on Sunday when the Vatican called for "frank dialogue". This was widely taken as a reference to the crusades. The 11th century invasion of the Holy Land remains a sensitive issue for many Muslims, who feel that it unfairly overshadows their own 7th century invasion of the Holy Land. Iranian clerics have now called for a Day of Anger, followed by two Days of Inadequacy and a Fortnight of Self-Pity.
With nearly 300 years of anti-papal protesting under its sash, the Orange Order feels qualified to offer some advice on the subject, although Mr March admits that not all of this knowledge is transferable.
"I appreciate that the term 'anti-Christ' might actually be seen as a compliment by the followers of Muhammad," he said. "Restrictions on music, alcohol and half-naked women also go against the Orange tradition. However, Islam can call on plenty of young Turks and that's what really counts."
Mr March advised angry Muslims to confront the western liberal establishment by using its own language against it.
"This is a lesson we've only learnt ourselves in recent years," he explained. "Always demand your own rights when attacking the rights of others. Deliberately confuse respect for belief with respect for freedom of belief. Finally, if anyone calls your bluff, scream 'Free speech not hate speech', then set fire to a flag. I'm telling you, boy, it works every time."
The Orange Order also feels that last week's series of street protests should become an annual event.
"We'd like to see the Pope burnt in effigy every year across the Muslim world," Mr March said. "No doubt Islamophobes will portray this as some sort of anti-Catholic thing, but we hope that in time it will be seen as more of a community cultural festival, celebrating the rich and diverse heritage of everyone who hates that funny-hat wearing heathen idolater."
Ideas for the new event, provisionally dubbed "Camelfest", include halal burger vans, bouncy mosques and stalls selling T-shirts marked "I'm Taking the Hump". The British government has promised £30 million of funding under a special scheme to justify all its other schemes.
Muslim reaction to the Orange Order's offer of help has been mixed.
"Many imams are very angry with the Pope," one Islamic scholar declared by e-Fatwah yesterday. "Others were angry but have accepted his apology. Still others were never angry but now they feel patronised, and some just find the whole thing totally absurd.
"It's all terribly confusing. If only God would send us some sort of representative on Earth. . ."