In which Newton Emerson gets his statistical mind in gear for next Sunday's Census
1. What type of accommodation does your household occupy?
(a) Bedsit
(b) Flat or apartment
(c) Of course, you'd have preferred something a bit larger than this but, well, it was a good investment and you were very lucky to find anything at all in this market.
(If you would like to tell us more about your household accommodation, please fill in a separate sheet of paper or enclose a tape-recording of your last dinner party.)
2. How many cars or vans are owned or are available for use by one or more members of your household?
(Do not include vehicles that are uninsured or uncertified when untaxed or untested for drivers who are underage or unlicensed.)
(a) None, probably
3. Does your household have access to the internet?
(a) Yes, broadband connection
(b) Yes, semaphore connection
(c) No, still buying porn from the newsagents
4. What is your nationality?
(a) Irish (b) Not Irish (c) More Irish than you
5. What is your current marital status?
(a) Single, married, divorced, widowed or separated
(b) Taoiseach
6. What is your relationship to the other people in your household?
(a) Fraught
(b) Indifferent
(c) Parasitic
7. How many children have you given birth to?
(a) 0-3 (b) 4-7 (c) 8 or more
8. Do you speak about Irish?
(a) Daily, while writing angry letters in English
(b) Occasionally, while trying to buy a house near Galway
(c) Never
9. How many of your great-grandfathers took part in the Easter Rising?
(a) 1-2
(b) 3-4
(c) More than 4
10. What is your religion?
(a) Catholic
(b) Damned to eternal hellfire by blasphemous heresy
(c) Opus Dei
11. What is your ethnic or cultural background?
(a) White Irish nationalist
(b) Illegal immigrant
(c) Other, except British
12. What do you think the information in the last two questions will be used for?
(a) Completing a study into the benefits of multiculturalism
(b) Compiling a deportation list
(c) Justifying a €60,000 a year "diversity officer" for every public body in the state
13. Do you suffer from any of the following long-term conditions?
(a) Blindness, deafness, paralysis, missing limbs or chronic illness
(b) Obesity
(c) Sadness
14. Do you have any difficulty with the following activities?
(a) Learning, remembering or concentrating
(b) Learning, remembering or concentrating
(c) Learning, remembering or concentrating
15. How do you usually travel to work, school or college?
(a) Slowly
16. What is the highest level of education you have completed to date?
(a) University degree (not UCD)
(b) University of life (not UCD)
(c) Doctorate (not Ian Paisley)
17. Declan Curneen spent two weeks in jail for refusing to fill out the 2002 Census because it did not include "6,000 sq miles of Ireland's territory".
After you read his letter about this experience in Monday's Irish Times, how long did you spend laughing?
(a) A good 10 minutes
(b) Most of the day
(c) Actually, part of me cried.