Newton's Optic: Mr Liam Cosgrave feared civil war in the North might lead to "a complete breakdown in contraceptive restrictions", writes Newton Emerson.
According to 1974 State papers released this week by the National Archives, as terrible bloodshed engulfed Northern Ireland following the collapse of the ill-fated Sunningdale Executive, a memorandum from the Department of Defence advised that up to 50,000 refugees could flood across the Border.
"Some of these people will be carrying condoms and many others will know where to buy them," the memo warned a sombre cabinet. A proposal to draft in 10,000 extra troops to contain the situation was dropped amid fears that the soldiers would want to know where to buy condoms and mounting fears that the refugees might tell them.
With the crisis spiralling out of control, Mr Cosgrave established an ad-hoc department at the Ministry of Bishops tasked with investigating further scenarios up to the planning stage but not including the family planning stage. The Inter-Ministry Investigations Department (Timid) considered a range of risks to Irish society posed by the conflict now claiming hundreds of lives a month less than 100 miles away.
These included the arrival at Connolly Station of non-married pregnant women; the arrival at Connolly Station of non-pregnant married women; and a possible influx of subversive elements such as barbers from Belfast, chemists from Crossmaglen and especially nurses from Newry. Officials also expressed concern that the intelligence services were not keeping track of the cycle of violence using an eyeliner pencil on a calendar in the bathroom.
With the death toll climbing rapidly both North and South, the Government considered several Timid suggestions to preserve the chastity of the Republic. Developing a close relationship with the SDLP was not thought to pose any danger as the party was clearly impotent; however, getting into bed with the unionists was felt to be ill-conceived.
A secret meeting with loyalist leaders was also arranged in early February due to confusion over the terms "UDI" and "IUD". Analysts agreed that re-partition was the most likely outcome of the escalating catastrophe and the taoiseach was advised to prepare the Irish people for "this bitter pill".
In a handwritten reply, Mr Cosgrave said that nobody in Ireland would be taking the pill on his watch, bitter or otherwise.
As the bombing campaign spread to England and Ted Heath's Conservative government fell apart, the Fine Gael-Labour coalition drafted emergency legislation against British mail-order condom companies "to prevent enemies of the State taking advantage of the widening chaos".
The Protection of the Purity of the Chosen People Bill (1974) contained provision for the sale of contraceptives to married couples but the taoiseach himself later voted against the Bill after receiving hundreds of letters, only three of which were French.
By this time Mr Heath, who was not married, had been replaced at Number 10 by Labour leader Mr Harold Wilson, who was married. This considerably eased British-Irish tensions over mail-order contraception during the period between Mr Cosgrave's first and second thoughts on the subject, bringing renewed hope to many of the people in Northern Ireland who had not yet died. Like those people, however, this hope was to be short-lived.
In May the Ulster Workers' Council announced a general strike and erected barricades around factories and power stations. The taoiseach complained to the unionist leadership about "this flagrant use of barrier methods", but was told to perform an act of self-fertilisation.
With much of the North now in a state of anarchy and essential food supplies running short, the Government was forced to draw up plans for invasion, including an increase in Defence Forces manpower from 10,000 to 60,000. However, this was subsequently put on hold when the British mail-order companies said they couldn't possibly cope with that sort of demand.
Meanwhile, relations with London were badly damaged by Mr Wilson's infamous "Sterilise the lot of them" emergency broadcast. Despite assurances from Number 10 that they had only meant the Protestants, the taoiseach still felt the tone of Mr Wilson's speech "was hardly in keeping with the spirit of Vatican II".
In an attempt to heal the rift, the British prime minister telephoned Mr Cosgrave and offered to discuss "precise details of withdrawal". On hearing this, according to the official transcript, the taoiseach "screamed, dropped the receiver and ran out of the room".
Note: It is believed that the 30-year rule was abolished in 1975. However, this cannot be confirmed until next year.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com