NEWTON EMERSON:A suggested rewrite of the Proclamation for Brian Cowen, by NEWTON EMERSON.
Proclamation of Amended Independence
1 Replace "Irishmen and Irishwomen" with "Irishmen, Irishwomen and Irish people of indeterminate gender".
2 Amend "In the name of God and the dead generations" to "In the name of a vague Christian ethos".
3 Append "Having organised and trained her manhood" with "and collectively nurtured her sisterhood".
4 Substitute "having resolutely waited for the right moment to reveal itself" with "having resolutely waited until the last moment to reveal itself".
5 Move "gallant allies in Europe" to article 1 and renumber all subsequent articles while retaining the original numbering in this document for the purposes of clarification.
6 (Which of course becomes 7 etc.) Change "she strikes in full confidence of victory" to "she enters a process of arbitration in full confidence of an agreed compromise".
7 Remove instance of "she" in article 6 (which becomes 7) and insert "it" while observing this provision remains article 7 (not 8) under the terms of article 5.
8 Delete "unfettered control of Irish destinies, to be sovereign and indefeasible" and insert "fetters to be standardised across member states, where feasible".
9 Substitute "The long usurpation of that right by a foreign people and government has not extinguished the right, nor can it ever be extinguished" with "All fire extinguishers must be regularly tested".
10 Replace "Standing on that fundamental right and again asserting it in arms in the face of the world" with "Everyone has the fundamental right to stand on their arms until they go red in the face".
11 Change "the cause of its freedom, of its welfare, and of its exaltation among the nations" to "freedom to exalt the cause of welfare among the nations".
12 Limit article 11 to welfare where social policy is a shared competence and the welfare system is incompetent but the policy has not been shared.
13 To "The Republic guarantees religious and civil liberty, equal rights and equal opportunities" add "Tampering invalidates warranty. Do not remove cover. No user-serviceable parts inside."
14 Replace "pursue the happiness and prosperity of the whole nation and all of its parts" with "pursue a regional policy until whole nations are broken down into parts".
15. Amend the phrase "cherishing all the children of the nation equally, oblivious of the differences carefully fostered by an alien government" with "children shall not be fostered by aliens".
16. Change "which have divided a minority from the majority in the past" to "which will multiply majority voting in the future".
17. Append "elected by the suffrages of all her men and women" with "but only once, unless the first election produces the wrong result, in which case another one should be held on sufferance".
18. To "under the protection of the most high God" add "while accepting that all gods are of equal height".
19. Replace "sacrifice themselves for the common good" with "sacrifice others for the Common Agricultural Policy".
20. In "prove itself worthy of the august destiny to which it is called", change "august" to "June 12th".