Revealed: What Leo, Micheál, Mary Lou and Eamon asked Santa for

In the manner of WikiLeaks and the Pentagon Papers, The Irish Times has obtained copies of Irish political leaders’ letters to Santa, which we now publish in the public interest. Any embarrassment to Santa is regretted

What I want for Christmas is to know the best date to have the election on. This is, like, the biggest decision ever for me, after what top to wear to the Kylie gig

Dear Santa,

I know this may be stretching things a bit, but what I want for Christmas is to know the best date to have the election on. This is, like, the biggest decision ever for me, after what top to wear to the Kylie gig. Most of the guys think I should go in February, right after Brexit, but half of me thinks, Hmmm, February election, don’t like the sound of that.

Also, y’know, a February election – not as easy for me to swan around the country with my sleeves rolled up in the old young-leader-for-a-young-country pose, which the guys reckon will be a surefire winner with our target voters. Instead I’ll be stuck in TV studios with that OK Boomer Micheál Martin, debating waiting lists and homeless figures and all that stuff he keeps droning on about, the saddo.

Pat Leahy: Chipping away at inner-city neglect

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Pat Leahy: The Government is flat out of energy, mission and purpose

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Pat Leahy: Fine Gael should learn a lesson from Bertie on humility

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On the other hand, Brexit is about the only thing voters think the Government has got right, so there’s a strong argument for opening the polls about 20 minutes after the UK leaves the EU. And you know what voters are like, Santa. Memory of a goldfish. They’ll have forgotten completely I saved them from a no-deal Brexit by May.

Sorry for going on about this, but it has my head wrecked. Obvs would like to win the election too, if you could manage that. It’s a big ask, I know, but imagine the look on Harris’s face when I keep him as Minister for Health. Lol.

I'll leave a smoothie and some avocado toast out for you and Rudolph.

Your friend, Leo

I would like a new front bench and parliamentary party. I mean, what are my chances of beating Varadkar and then leading a government of national renewal with this shower?

Dear Santy,

this is a big request, but, as you know, I have been very, very good again this year. I would like a new front bench and parliamentary party. I’ve just about had it with the current crowd and don’t think I can put up with them going forward, and so on and so forth. I mean, what are my chances of beating that pup Varadkar and then leading a government of national renewal with this shower?

Even Lisa Chambers, who was my star pupil, turns out to be up to her neck in the dodgy-voting controversy, much to the amusement of the corner boys. As for their complaints that I never listen to them anyway, that's not true, Santa. I listen to them closely, so I can relate all the details to my staff to laugh at.

Most of the TDs seem more interested in having a laugh and shoring up their own seats than getting ready for the election or developing policies. Their knowledge of politics is not up to scratch, either – many don’t realise how successful I was as minister for health, or that I was the greatest minister for foreign affairs of the late 2000s. Also, Santa, their diets are atrocious – far too meat-heavy, and not enough pulses and grains. Don’t even start me on the fried breakfasts. No, there’s only one thing for it: I need a whole new set of TDs.

I will leave out some fruit juice and quinoa for yourself and Rudolph. To be honest, I think you could possibly look at your own diet and exercise regime.

Happy Christmas, Micheál

The whole election thing is a little tricky for me at the mo, and I'd be so, so grateful, Santa, if we could just avoid one next year

Santa, a chara,

So this is a little unusual, but I am going to ask to not have something next year as my present. As in an election. The whole election thing is a little tricky for me at the mo, and I’d be so, so grateful, Santa, if we could just avoid one next year. I really couldn’t handle another election campaign right now. We just finished one in the North, and, honestly, the stress of not being sure whether it’s an audience you’re supposed to shout “Tiocfaidh ár lá!” at or intone solemnly, “We must listen to and understand the concerns of unionists” – it would give you hives, Santa, it would. Also, the results were not exactly Gerrytastic, and more of the same in the South would have Pearse furrowing his brow at the rest of the party in that I-told-you-so way of his, so if you could deliver no election it would be áthas-an-domhain time. Trying to work on the old Irish there, Santa.

Also, could you stop Eoin Ó Broin looking so smug? As, like, an extra surprise.

I'll leave out a selection box as usual for yourself and Rudolph.

Le mór mheas (Irish again there), Mary Lou

It does seem a little unsustainable to visit every house in the world on Christmas night. So maybe think about just going to constituencies the Greens have a chance to win seats in

Hi Santa

Can I just say that although we do appreciate you calling at our house again this year, it does seems to be a little unsustainable to travel to every house in the world on Christmas night. So maybe you should think about just going to the constituencies that the Greens have a chance to win seats in. Anyway, just a thought.

I have just two things on my list this year. The first is I’d like loads of new TDs – don’t want to seem greedy, Santa, but the more the better. The second request is related: that they accept my judgment that the right thing to do is enter government and for me to be a minister, along with some other people that I choose. The last thing I want, Santa, is to bring in a bunch of new TDs and have them make up their own minds on this. I don’t think that would be helpful at all, if you don’t mind me pointing that out. Yes, I know some of them will say that the last period in government was rather challenging, but I think we can all agree: this time will be different.

I'll leave out some carrot cake.

Happy Christmas, Eamon