Newton Emerson finds himself unimpressed by the teachers' latest exercise in self-assessment. Could definitely do better.
The shocking state of the country's secondary schools has been revealed in a rigorously scientific survey of 1,200 teachers, conducted by their union and released to the media just before their annual conference.
"This survey will be a wake-up call for our members, unless they don't hear about it before the Easter fortnight when they'll all be having a good lie-in," said National Association of Secondary Teachers in Ireland spokesman Den Twomey (NASTI).
According to the NASTI report 40 per cent of teachers feel stressed and up to a quarter have considered quitting the profession, unlike people in other jobs who never feel stressed or consider quitting. Worse still, 72 per cent of teachers say they are often required to do unpaid overtime and bring work home, unlike people in other jobs who never do unpaid overtime or bring work home.
The survey also found that:
71 per cent of teachers say that children often turn up for class drunk;
52 per cent say that turning up for work hungover is "completely different";
14 per cent have been shot at least once, usually during assembly;
97 per cent say that racist language is common in the classroom;
97 per cent say that the Irish language is "very important" to stop immigrants taking their jobs;
68 per cent think "Spanish practice" means having an uncle on the board of governors;
38 per cent say that whoever removed this week's Sunday Tribune from the staff room can leave it back before last period and that will be the end of the matter
135 per cent think the maths syllabus is too difficult.
NASTI blames social factors for the increase in disruptive behaviour, as holding individuals responsible for their own actions is a breach of union rule 17 (a) clause 12. "Teachers are the victims of aggressive pupils who are themselves the victims of neglectful parents who are in turn the victims of a callous society," explained Mr Twomey by drawing a circle on the overhead projector. "The centre of the circle represents the innate decency of the working class," he added.
Leading educationalists also suspect that plentiful opportunities in Ireland's tiger economy may be undermining the perceived value of academic qualifications, with many 16-year-olds planning to make their fortune by simply starting up a budget airline or getting a job with An Post.
"It's important to remember that all children have the same needs," said Mr Twomey, "except children with special needs who also have the same needs but in a special way."
Meeting those needs and separate but identical special needs will be the subject of a keynote address at next week's NASTI conference by former GAA rugby coach Dick Lofty who will speak on the importance of an all-inclusive approach to sport, with the emphasis on taking part rather than winning.
"The way to prevent children failing is to prevent other children succeeding," said Mr Twomey. "Obviously sport has a vital role to play in that, which is why we're demanding extra pay for any games we have to attend which take place after three o'clock."
NASTI sources indicate that strike action is likely if these pay demands are not met. "We've discussed the possibility with our members and they are prepared for a walk-out," warned Mr Twomey. "The RE teachers believe we can win and the geology teachers are rock solid."
Delegates will also hear how alcohol problems amongst secondary school pupils are caused by frustration and boredom with the content of the curriculum. "We must make lessons easier and more interesting," said Mr Twomey.
"Children will not learn to concentrate and apply themselves unless they are indulged and over-stimulated."
Other motions include a proposed fight with the Teacher's Union of Ireland at the bus stop after detention. "They say they've got more friends than us but we've got more friends than them," said Mr Twomey. "They think they're all clever because some of their friends go to university but we're the hard lads around here and we'll show them, so we will."
But despite these concerns 100 per cent of NASTI teachers agree that the steady increase in disruptive pupil behaviour over the past 20 years has nothing to do with their union's support for the 1982 abolition of corporal punishment, or the union's complete refusal since then to even debate the reintroduction of limited physical discipline in any form.
"There may be a lesson in that," said Mr Twomey, while staring out of the window at two dogs in the playground. "But I'm not listening to it."
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com