TIMES SQUARE/Brendan Glacken: Recent events at this newspaper have turned our thoughts to the prospects of alternative employment: it seems that many of us may eventually have to seek work elsewhere.
The worst may not come to the worst, of course. But then again, what else does the worst ever come to? However, the more eminent among us are not unduly concerned. Indeed, we are quietly confident. If our services are dispensed with, we have little doubt that they will be better appreciated elsewhere. We shall leave with our heads held high, and there will be no looking back.
And there is always room at the top. As people of some distinction, we are naturally above the vulgar business of trawling through the classified columns. We might glance casually through the Appointments pages of this newspaper on Fridays, but the high-pressure, heart attack-inducing openings in sales and marketing and the like are not for us. We stand well clear of the thronged and noisy market-place, the distasteful hurly-burly of commerce. Our minds are set on higher things.
Indeed, some attractive positions are already drawing our interest. We have noted for example an interesting opening in Canterbury, now that Dr George Carey has decided to step down.
An archbishop's lot must surely be a happy one, notwithstanding the fact that it involves dealing with hordes of "believers", who must be a sore trial when one is merely trying to get on with things. The pay is derisory, of course - something less than £60,000 sterling - and the apartment at Lambeth Palace is by all accounts rather poky: but one does share rather wonderful gardens with royalty.
And there is a lot to be said for being the leader of 70 million Christians in the worldwide Anglican community. Increasing these numbers in an attempt to catch up on the Pope and his followers would be a thrilling challenge, a little like this paper's gradual creeping-up on the Irish Independent circulation (a point I would make in the interview).
Closer to home, there is a prestigious job going at the IMMA. The requirements for the new director would appear to include a healthy aggression, an appetite for controversy, an aptitude for conspiracy, and good rumour-spreading abilities. No major hurdles for an experienced journalist, then.
If it comes to an interview, one would probably need to be a little cautious about representational art, i.e. not be too openly dismissive, while making it clear how hopelessly out of date it is. Nevertheless, a few witty and caustic remarks with regard to the National Art Gallery's new Millennium Wing, and its pathetically populist Impressionist exhibition, should go down well. And if Nicholas Serota's name is mentioned, one should genuflect.
It is too late to apply for the post of President of the European Parliament, as the election takes place tomorrow. Fortunately it seems almost certain that a former distinguished journalist, Mr Pat Cox, will get the job.
The position of Chief Constable of the Police Force of Northern Ireland will soon fall vacant, though not as soon as was originally anticipated. The province remains a dour and dismal place, despite some new restaurants and pubs, and in essence, one is simply a policeman, but the post may well lead to greater things. It is worth considering.
Further afield, while Afghanistan currently has an interim head of state, Hamid Karzai, it remains on the lookout for a new leader.
The situation in that country is somewhat fraught, of course. However, Kabul remains an attractive city, and there is the new attraction of day trips to the ruins of Kandahar. Afghans also brew an excellent local beer, while at the very jolly Saturday-morning market in downtown Kabul, a crate of Gordon's gin costs even less than a Kalashnikov rifle. Much talk in the media has been of wild mountainous areas, vast inhospitable tracts of land, and an unusual number of caves, but the new head of state will hardly need to worry about all that: by all accounts the presidential palace in Kabul remains intact.
With the elections in Zimbabwe due to be held in March, one might have to move fairly fast to mount a challenge to President Robert Mugabe. Indeed, journalists in general have to move increasingly fast if Mr Mugabe is anywhere near.
However, the fact remains that Zimbabwe is a rich and very beautiful country, well worth taking over - beg pardon, ruling; and if a journalist were to win, he (not she, I am afraid) would probably be well advised to continue with Mr Mugabe's policy of preventing foreign correspondents from working there, thus buttressing his own position.
Iran, meanwhile, is currently blocking the appointment of a new UK ambassador because the nominee is "a Jew who is an MI6 agent". Though Tehran is hardly the most attractive posting, a typical Irish Times journalist might well grasp an opportunity here; one can't imagine Iran objecting to a lapsed Catholic with vaguely liberal leanings.