And, lo, the verdict from On High has proved distinctly puzzling to His main man, writes Newton Emerson.
Now indeed was the time for talking mused Doctor Paisley as he settled down in his study. Not with Sinn Féin of course, that would be insane. No, now was the time for talking to God.
Opening a drawer, Doctor Paisley pulled out his favourite King James Bible and placed it reverentially on the desk - for God did not talk to him directly of course, that would be insane. Instead he must look to the scriptures for guidance, then call upon a lifetime of scholarship to interpret the divine will.
Glancing up at the Kentucky Bible College Doctorate Diploma above the bookcase, Doctor Paisley recalled the years of study and meditation, the countless nights knelt in prayer, the non-refundable $50 and the stamped-addressed envelope. Yet even then he had been humble in victory. "Jesus waited 40 days in the wilderness for deliverance," he had told his congregation, "while I waited only 28 days for delivery."
So, mindful as always of the sin of pride, Doctor Paisley let the Bible fall open and placed his finger at a random passage, Daniel 11: 13: "For the king of the north shall return, and shall set forth a multitude greater than the former." Such unambiguous communication from the Almighty would have frightened a lesser man but for Doctor Paisley it was all in a day's work.
Still, this he already knew, what he needed now was insight. He let the book fall open again and his eye caught Matthew 18:19: "Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth, anything, it shall be done for you by my Father which is in heaven."
That was odd, thought Doctor Paisley. He tried again and found his index finger resting on Peter 2:13: "Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake, whether it be to the King, as supreme; or unto Governors." Alarm gripped Doctor Paisley for a moment until he remembered that the current Secretary of State was Catholic, so Peter 2:13 didn't apply under present circumstances.
Relieved he let the Bible fall open again, only to read Luke 12:51: "For henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two and two against three." Doctor Paisley's blood ran cold - the reference to Stormont's power-sharing mechanism was quite unmistakable.
Quickly he turned to the Book of Isaiah and read out chapter 28, verse 15: "Because ye have said, We have made a covenant with death, and with hell are we at agreement."
Then he closed the Bible and, looking upwards sternly, let it fall open again. His eyes alighted immediately upon Ephesians 2:14: "For he is our peace, who hath made both one and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us."
Doctor Paisley was genuinely alarmed now as he thumbed towards Psalm 89:12: "The north and the south thou hast created them." He read the sacred words aloud, then snapped the Bible shut and watched it fall open, back to Daniel, his inspiration for so many sermons down the years. Yet this time it was Chapter 11:6 that drew his eye.
"In the end of years they shall join themselves together; for the king's daughter of the south shall come to the king of the north to make an agreement: but she shall not retain the power of the arm."
"But they have retained the power of the arm!" shouted Doctor Paisley, unaware this time that he had shouted it aloud.
Perhaps the verse was a good sign though, a sign that nothing more should come to pass until the IRA had completely disbanded. That was official DUP policy after all, even if it was based on the safe assumption that such a thing would never happen.
Still it wouldn't hurt to be sure.
Doctor Paisley turned nervously to Jeremiah 15:17 and read the verse as if addressing a crowd. "I sat not in the assembly of the mockers, nor rejoiced; I sat alone because thou hast filled me with indignation."
Then he picked up the Bible one last time and dropped it on its spine. The pages turned then fell open at First Kings, and Chapter 8:16 jumped straight out at him. "I chose David to be over my people."
There it was, the word of God in black and white before him. "Not again," thought Paisley in despair, but alas there could be no doubt. God was wrong.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com