MAGPIE:OKAY. SO now that we know the worst, courtesy of our May pay packets, that Messrs Cowen and Lenihan will inflict on us this year (well, the worst at least until the winter budget that is), to where can we turn for help?
The Reader's Digest!
The Reader's Digest? That venerable institution of middle England (if the Reader's Digest were a person, it would dress and look like Susan Boyle, who is actually a lot prettier than the Reader's Digest and she sure sings better than the old mag . . .)?
According to the RD, there are five different ways in which people handle money and most – 59.3 per cent – are classed as “amblers” who drift along, not checking their bank balances until trouble hits. (Sound like bank managers, no?)
The next biggest group (24.6 per cent) are “evaders” who avoid opening bank statements and live in denial about debts. The “hoarders” (13.7 per cent) like to check their statements immediately, motivated by the fear of a diminishing balance or perhaps the joy of watching interest add up. (Magpie and, sadly, Mrs Magpie, are evaders even though most will assume we are hoarders . . .)
Finally there are the “validators” (2 per cent) who spend profusely to make themselves feel better, and the “splurgers”, just 0.4 per cent, who spend, spend, spend until there is nothing left. (Clearly, most of the entire bloody population were validators and splurgers until sometime last year, indulged by banker amblers . . .)
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ONE OF life’s enduring frustrations is the little we know about Kim Jong-il, the spooky looking and totally weird ruler of North Korea. The communist world’s first hereditary head of state (Dad, Kim Il-sung, preceeded him in office, and young Kim (68), has just ordained that his own son, Kim Jong-un (25), should take over the family firm – ie North Korea – when he, Kim68, pops his clogs, as they say in Pyongyang) . . .
Lost my thread there. Where was I? Ah yes, Kim68 is big into nukes. Of this we are reminded with disturbing regularity. But now his real secret is out: he’s into eating live fish.
According to 68’s former chief chef, Kenji Fujimoto, 68 loves tucking into live fish “with the tail still thrashing”, washed down with French wines and brandies.
“He particularly enjoyed raw fish so fresh that he could start eating as its mouth is still gasping and the tail is still thrashing. I sliced the fish so as not to puncture any of the vital organs, so of course it was still moving. Kim Jong-il was delighted. He would eat with gusto.”
Fujimoto, who is about to publish a book, I Was Kim Jong-il's Cook(I wonder what it's about?) now lives in Japan. Which is probably a good thing. If he was still in Pyongwhatsit, he'd probably be on the menu . . .
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THE MAYOR of Zagreb has called for Freddie Mercury to make a comeback gig in the Croatian capital. Speaking on national television about his musical preferences, Milan Bandic said he wanted to attract rock legends to the city.
“I would like to see David Bowie play in Zagreb. And Freddie Mercury could come, too,” he said.
Mayor Bandic seemed shocked to be told the Queen frontman died 18 years ago. The mistake caused shock among many Croatians but Bandic himself shrugged off the gaffe. His prospects in the second round of local elections this Sunday seem to have been unharmed, with political pundits expecting him to get a new mandate.
Zagreb resident Mirjana Popovic said: “It might seem he is a little bit out of touch when he says things like this but he is the right man for mayor.”
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A TODDLER who was gravely ill has shocked her family by waking from a coma singing the Abba song Mamma Mia.
Layla Towsey's family were told to say goodbye to her after she was struck down with meningitis and suffered a heart attack. Mum Katy Towsey (23) said: "We'd been preparing ourselves for bad news as the life support machine was keeping her alive. Even when doctors took her off life support and reduced the drugs she was on, we didn't know how badly disabled she would be. But on the Sunday morning I could hear her singing Mamma Mia!quietly. I couldn't believe it. I knew immediately she was going to be OK."
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A SMALL Japanese restaurant is booked out weeks in advance thanks to a monkey waiter. Fuku-chan greets guests and brings them hot towels at the Kayabuki restaurant, 60 miles north of Tokyo.
Said one diner: “He has these airs and graces that make him look just like a French waiter at a posh restaurant.” Restaurant owner Kaoru Otsuka said: “It all started when I gave him a hot towel out of curiosity, and he took it to the customer.”
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A WOULD-BE gangster in Germany shot himself in the crotch when his gun went off half-cocked in his pocket.
Lukas Neuhardt (27), had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he put the gun in his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken.
He told paramedics a masked mugger had blasted him in the crotch in a bungled robbery. But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact.
“Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket, so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself,” said a police source.
Now – after surgeons stitched his manhood back together – he’s facing up to three years in jail for breaching Germany’s tough new anti-gun laws.