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Restless Simon has his eyes on the election targets as he shoots through town

Paschal tells the faithful ‘our economy is currently in a great place’

Fine Gael launched its manifesto in Tipperary pledging to cut taxes by €7 billion and provide a €1,000 savings fund to every newborn baby. Video: Enda O'Dowd
Miriam Lord's picture
Miriam Lord
Mon Nov 18 2024 - 06:00

The Taoiseach’s car stopped halfway down Main Street, and Simon Harris flew out the passenger door like he’d been shot from a cannon.

“Stick with him, Michael!” a handler roared at the candidate for Tipperary South, whose job it was to stick as close as he could to the boss’s shoulder for the duration of this brief walkabout in Cashel.

A difficult ask.

The only time Harris slowed down over the weekend was when he bumped into Tánaiste Micheál Martin on Saturday in Kerry, and shook hands with him outside a shopping centre in Killorglin, thus sparking a major diplomatic incident between the two government parties, with a fuming Fianna Fáil accusing Fine Gael of blatant over-familiarity when they are still supposed to be at each other’s throats.

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It seems what they should have done was ignore each other like a pair of sulking 10-year-olds in the playground.

The Sunday Times reported a FF source as saying that the handshake was cynically engineered to make the Taoiseach look like a peacemaker – and the Tánaiste, presumably, like the devil incarnate.

In Tipperary on Sunday Fine Gaelers were saying that their erstwhile Cabinet colleagues have lost the plot entirely. They were in Horse and Jockey – both the place and the hotel – in South Tipp to launch the party’s election manifesto.

We travelled down on Blueshirt One, the party’s New Energy diesel battle-minibus. Living the election dream.

The launch was in the hotel’s Derrynaflan Theatre, and the Taoiseach took to the stage flanked by Minister for Justice and party deputy leader Helen McEntee and Minister for Public Expenditure Paschal Donohoe. The three of them wore ultra-discrete Madonna wireless microphone headsets which allowed them to dance while outlining the finer points of the manifesto. But they wasted the chance.

“Our economy is currently in a great place,” Paschal told the faithful as his boss refused to agree with journalist Harry McGee that Fine Gael is spending money “like snuff at a wake” on manifesto promises. This when the only giveaway the party hasn’t promised the newborns of Ireland at this stage is bumped up payments on litters of pups.

The audience applauded when Simon Harris had to “respectfully push back” on Harry’s assertion. Nobody takes snuff any more, and there are dead people at wakes, which is not in keeping with the new energy.

The party is, however, spending money like confetti at a country house wedding.

Never mind there is nothing to worry about because prudent Paschal is there to keep a firm hold on the purse strings. “I know that nobody will do a better job at managing the nation’s finances than Paschal Donohoe,” said the Taoiseach.

Ah, yes, the old good cop, bad cop dynamic signalling a sensible approach to playing fast and loose with the national finances – they tried it at the last election. It didn’t really work. So this time the script has been altered with Simon playing good cop to Paschal’s nice cop.

There was a lot of support in the room for the Minister for Justice. Her senior colleagues are angry over what they say have been highly personalised attacks on her by Fianna Fáil politicians who have been lining up to criticise her. Willie O’Dea, one of her predecessors – who had to resign in controversial circumstances – called her “the worst minister for justice in the history of the State”.

Meanwhile, remarks on Newstalk last week by the Fianna Fáil Minister of State in the department James Browne, particularly annoyed some of the Fine Gael women at the launch. He talked about Helen McEntee not being available to do her job for two six-month periods when Simon Harris and then Heather Humphreys had to step in and take over.

“So he was calling her out for taking maternity leave. The cheek of him. I mean, the cheek of him!” said one.

It’s been a turbulent time for Helen in Justice. The things that woman has seen. She told the grassroots she has “travelled the length and breadth, like our Taoiseach, of this country… and what I have seen, what I have witnessed, what I experienced…”

Go on Helen, tell us about life on the cutting edge of the mean streets of Justice.

“…what I experience is an unbelievable energy from each and every one of you”.

Simon Harris has a five-year vision. But before any vote has been cast he wants Fine Gael “to get back to talking to the people of Ireland…looking people in the whites of their eyes, and respectfully asking them for their number one vote so that we can implement this vision”.

He has to keep going. Can’t stop. Take the area of disability and special needs education. “I am restless in relation to this issue.”

Forgot the past. He is also restless for the future. “I don’t want to talk about the greatest hits of the last 14 years,” said the Taoiseach, because then he might have to talk about the chart flops too.

He wants to move on. “I’m restless, absolutely restless. I’m impatient.”

Impatient to get down the town to press some flesh and gurgle at as many tots as possible to remind everybody that his government will be showering them with money if it gets back in. And run into as many hospitality businesses as possible now that the VAT rate will be coming down permanently if they vote Fine Gael.

Michael Murphy, the candidate in Tipperary South, managed to keep pace with the Taoiseach most of the time because Simon Harris could hardly move because of all the babies being flung at him. We counted half a dozen in the few paces along the pavement from his car to the front door of SuperValu.

Inside he was introduced to a woman who was celebrating her birthday. Oh dear God, he’s not, is he? Yes, he very much was. The Taoiseach was singing, very loudly, encouraging everyone who hadn’t already passed out with the mortification to join in.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dearrrrrr, eh, Mwahfwahbafwah…reee! Happy birthday to you!”

A chap grabbed him for a selfie at the returnable bottle machine. “I can’t vote, I’m from Poland,” said Kamil, who was delighted to have met the Taoiseach. “I’m going to send this picture to my girlfriend.”

We hope she doesn’t report him to the police.

On to Fox’s pub where an elderly man on a bar stool clutched his hand, repeating emotionally “my father was a Blueshirt”.

There was a dash through Bowes restaurant and Davern’s menswear shop and then back outside where the Taoiseach saw a fully occupied double buggy. He dived on it.

Zach O’Reilly (3) was on the upper deck and his brother Ben (18 months) was on the lower deck. The Taoiseach tried to prise Ben’s toy from his little hands so he could give it back to him. Not a chance. For Ben was holding a novelty fold-up umbrella which looked like a bottle of Bordeaux and he was giving it to nobody.

Speaking of which –- the only hint of discord came from a couple in Davern’s restaurant who were giving their order when Simon landed at their table. They forced a smile but didn’t want to engage. He kept talking until they finally muttered a few words to him through gritted teeth. He moved on.

“Feck it, I’m having a drink,” sighed the man. “I’ll have a glass of the Pinot Noir.”

“Me too,” said she. “D’ya know what? We’ll have the bottle.”