And breathe. If you can. Because in the breathtaking-sporting-weekend-stakes, that was one for the ages. From Dunedin to Dublin and a whole heap of stopovers in between, with zero queues or lost luggage because, from the crack of dawn on Saturday to nightfall on Sunday, some of us never left the couch. Apparently it was quite sunny outside, too.
The only complaint Shane Horgan had on Saturday morning was that “it’s a little bit early for a beer”, although you’d like to think his Sky Sports hosts would at least have given him a Buck’s Fizz for breakfast, containing considerably more champagne than orange juice. It’s not, after all, every day that Ireland beat the All Blacks in New Zealand. In fact - checks notes - there had never been a day that Ireland beat the All Blacks in New Zealand. Until Saturday.
It was during one of the spells during which New Zealand found themselves down to a mere 13 men that Conor McNamara described it as “a discombobulation of a period” for the hosts, which is kind of how the entire weekend proved for all of us.
And while Ireland’s lead was comfortable enough going in to the final stages, we very much could have done without Conor asking “are we about to witness history here?” and Alan Quinlan suggesting that the Irish supporters “could relax a small bit” when history isn’t home and hosed until the portly lady croons.
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But croon she did, and while Andrew Porter’s two tries were enough to have statues built in honour of the fella, that outside-of-the-foot Peter O’Mahony kick, which might have Paris Saint-Germain bidding for him, deserves to be granted a national holiday.
“How do you feel,” asked the New Zealand interviewing person. “Eh ….. yeah, delighted,” said Johnny Sexton, like he’d just won €2 on a scratchcard, his thoughts immediately turning to the deciding test.
Elena Rybakina responded in a similarly muted manner to her Wimbledon triumph over Ons Jabeur.“She’s won the trophy for the least emotion shown,” said Martina Navratilova. “I was expecting two hands in the air, or something,” said Caroline Wozniacki, but Sue Barker reminded us that Elena doesn’t do emotion, she just likes to win things and move on. And, she told us, it was a proud day for Kazakhstan. “She’s Russian, right,” asked John McEnroe. At that point, Sue was relieved to be retiring.
Nick Kyrgios showed no emotion in the men’s final either. The old ones, eh?
“Apologies for the language, it’s a live sport,” gulped Andrew Castle who loudened his commentary every time Nick went off on one, while Prince William and his other half Kate might have regretted bringing eight-year-old George to the final, lest he inform them over breakfast at Kensington Palace that “****ING UMPIRES ****ING SUCK”.
The final provided too many highlights to mention, Kyrgios, while utterly bonkers, an utter joy to watch, like a latter-day Mansour Bahrami, only with a burning desire to pulverise his opponent.
But it was hard to beat that moment he complained about the lady in the crowd who kept hollering at him. The umpire asked him to identify her. “The one who looks like she’s had 700 drinks, bro!”
For a few moments after, the BBC studiously avoided focusing their cameras on any lady person in the crowd, not least the Duchess of Cambridge, for fear they’d end up in the High Court.
But the mighty Novak Djokovic did his thing. As Gary Lineker pointed out, he’d finally won a court battle against an Australian.
Meanwhile, over at Croke Park, Dublin and Kerry were providing us with no excitement at all in the first half of their semi-final. And then the second half commenced and, well, discombobulation.
“One of the greatest sporting occasions I’ve ever been at,” said Colm O’Rourke, and he’s attended plenty, Sean O’Shea’s winning free leaving you gasping at the ability of a mere human to produce excellence of that manner in a moment of suffocating pressure.
Tory MP Virginia Crosbie didn’t quite emulate O’Shea’s excellence when she took to Facebook to wish Wales well in Euro 2022, despite them not actually qualifying for the tournament.
But look it, we’re all human. Well, apart from, say, Peter O’Mahony, Elena Rybakina, Novak Djokovic and Sean O’Shea.
