In many ways, the sound of Soccer Saturday’s Paul Merson hyperventilating at the sight of Arsenal scoring in their opening game of the season is Premier League devotees’ equivalent of nature lovers hearing their first cuckoo of the year. Both create a bit of a thrill and herald brighter days to come, although not literally in Merse’s case, him returning to our tellies a signal that summer – or what there was of it – is coming to an end.
But at least the Premier League is back, and that will bring no little joy to some. But no little exasperation to others. Especially those who might have thrown up in their mouths a little when Sky began airing that “love lifts us up where we belong” promo for the season, featuring beaming supporters in a stadium all a-tizz at the prospect of a new campaign.
(Beaming despite 18 of the 20 Premier League clubs hiking their season ticket prices, newly promoted Southampton by 32 per cent. Thirty-two! And the cost of watching live PL on your telly now the equivalent of renting a bedroom in Dublin, or thereabouts. And replica shirts more than doubling in price over the last five years, 10 of the clubs charging €93 or more for a piece of polyester tat. Love would have to lift you up to a fair old height to overlook those hustles).
Any how. After a well rested and mega tanned Pep Guardiola spoke to Sky ahead of his lads’ game against Chelsea, Kelly Cates noted how “managers look 10 years younger on the opening day of the season”. “So do the pundits,” said Micah Richards, which is true, but indeed, the gaffers age at an alarmingly rapid rate as the campaign wears on. Think of Erik ten Hag. He was 53 when last season started, and 86 by its conclusion.
He was back to about 64 on Friday night when Manchester United opened the season against Fulham, Sky’s A team of Roy Keane, Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher on duty to see United hammer the Londoners 1-0 with an 87th-minute goal at Old Trafford to kick-start their title challenge. (Stop sniggering at the back).
When Ten Hag joined the crew after the game, Joshua Zirkzee’s winner taking years off the fella, there was a spring in his step, Roy opting not to bring his mood down by grilling him on, say, why Harry Maguire was still at the club. “Nah, I’m just chilling out. It’s a good vibe going on,” said Keane. “You don’t want to spoil the vibe, hey?” asked ten Hag. “Na. Just keep winning. It’s easy, no problem,” said Roy. Ten Hag’s grimace was a worry.
Manchester City? They keep winning, it’s easy, no problem. Although if they’re deducted 70 to 80 points, which would only leave them ahead of Everton, Guardiola, Haaland, Foden, De Bruyne and Co could be on the road to Plymouth, Preston and Portsmouth next season, which would be a right hoot.
A chunk of Sky’s postmatch chat was, though, focused on the statement issued by Raheem Sterling’s representatives just before the Chelsea-Manchester City game, following his omission from Chelsea’s match-day squad. It’s as well that Roy was given Sunday off. “Eh,” as Gary put it. It was the most Premier League footballish thing ever.
“As a camp [camp!] ... we look forward to gaining clarity on the situation,” concluded the statement, which sounded like it had come from the White House. It had already pointed out that that Sterling had returned to training two weeks early and therefore – the gist – he deserved better.
“He came back two weeks early, that’s nice of him,” said Jamie Redknapp, steam coming out of the fella’s ears. The statement, he said, was “absolute rubbish”, “I’m not ‘aving that one bit.” Daniel Sturridge and Micah beat about the bush a bit, questioning the timing but expressing their love for Sterling. Despite him needing a) a kick up the backside and b) to play better. Besides, as Jamie pointed out, if every member of Chelsea’s first team squad who wasn’t involved on Sunday were to issue a statement, we’d be here until August 2025 reading them.
So yes, the Premier League is very much back. As is Match of the Day, which is celebrating its 60th season. “Alan Shearer scored in the first ever episode back in 1964,” Gary Lineker told us. “Cuckoo,” said Shearer’s rolling eyes.
