Least romantic: The West Brom fans who looked on at Carrow Road as Norwich City diehard Jack Garwood proposed to his girlfriend Brandis on the pitch at half-time. At which point they started chanting: “You don’t know what you’re doing!”
Room to Improve: “I think a new goalkeeper is needed, possibly two centre halves, two centre midfield players and two centre forwards.”
Apart from that, Paul Scholes felt Manchester United were well equipped for the season ahead.
Shopaholics: “They’ve signed any player with a pulse.”
Carlo Ancelotti lands in Brazil relishing prospect of ending World Cup drought
Shamrock Rovers sign former Down footballer John McGovern
Erin Healy hoping to meet the moment after becoming latest call-up born beyond Irish shores
‘I’m here to play’: Republic of Ireland defender Louise Quinn aims to go out on a high in Nations League ties
Andy Cole on Chelsea’s rather busy summer transfer work.
Rock Bottom: “I just hope our players have got plenty of Sudocrem because they’ve had their arses slapped today. I hope they can’t sit down for a week – and I hope they run out of Sudocrem.”
Michael Birmingham suggesting that his Isthmian League side Horndean were a shower of bums.
Home from Home: “He’s loving life there because it reminds him of Milton Keynes. If it wasn’t for the sunshine, you would think you were in Buckinghamshire.”
A friend of Ivan Toney telling The Sun why he was settling in so well in, eh, Saudi Arabia.
Honoured: “He’s an almost person. ‘He’s almost done this, he’s almost won that’. You can’t have someone with a knighthood if you’re an almost. It’s absolutely outrageous.”
Royal author Angela Levin stopping just short of congratulating Gareth Southgate on his knighthood.
Tunnel vision: “Every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be an oncoming train.”
At least after a miserable season, Ange Postecoglou found some light at the end of the Europa League.
Resurrected: “When I heard the terrible news, I poured myself a small brandy. Being buried alive is quite stressful, really.”
Petko Ganchev after his former club, Bulgaria’s Arda Kardzhali, held a minute’s silence for him having been somewhat mistakenly informed that he had died.
If the Queen had ...: “It’s not a bad run on paper if you had wins in it.”
Sean Dyche on Everton’s five-game winless streak, which earned him the sack.
Top Secret: “Any leaks, whether accidental or intended, can be damaging to colleagues and the wider club.”
An email sent to Manchester United employees by the club’s owners warning them against leaking information to the media. The email was, eh, leaked.
Restless: “I have been trying to improve my sleep – but it doesn’t happen overnight.”
Brighton manager Fabian Hürzeler on the stresses of the job turning him in to an insomniac.
Bangers: “Quite a few players need to be dropped, but who do you replace them with? It’s like if your Ferrari‘s not been performing well and you want to use your other car, but that other car is a Ford Focus.”
Manchester United old boy Paul Parker managing to offend Ford Focus owners and United’s fringe players in fell swoop.
Garlic bread!: “The word over the last month or so with England has been ‘freedom‘. It’s the new buzzword. It’s the new garlic bread.”
Roy Keane finding his inner Peter Kay.
Caught with his pants down: “My dad kept looking down at me with no trousers on. Mam was in the back with the needle and thread.”
Damien Duff on his car journey to the Soccer Writers awards after splitting his trousers. Happily, they were mended by the time he accepted his Personality of the Year gong.
Jungle King: “The food was disgusting. The meat was a piece of wallaby wing. I just couldn’t bring myself to eat a wallaby.”
Six years after winning I‘m A Celebrity, Harry Redknapp still thinks a wallaby is a bird.
Salutes: “If I was born and raised in Shrewsbury I‘d probably be this angry as well ‘cause it’s an absolute cesspit full of inbreds.”; “Rotherham fans stink of piss, came to the Racecourse and got dismissed.”
Apart from that, James McClean got on quite well with away fans this season.
Taking it on the chin(s): “If I had a hundred quid for every chorus of ‘you fat b*******’ ... you need to take it on the chin – or, in this case, chins.”
Hearts’ Lawrence Shankland on highly rude terrace chants about his physical shape.
Maybe?!: “We are the worst team maybe in the history of Manchester United.”
By the end of the season, Ruben Amorim swapped maybe for deffo.
Fate-tempting: “Real Madrid cannot beat Man City. If they beat City, I will cut off my testicles!”
Sergio Aguero left with, well, some pruning to do after Madrid did indeed beat City in the Champions League.
Masters of the Universe: “Liverpool are the best team in the world, never mind anywhere else.”
Ally McCoist on Arne Slot’s lads not just being the kings of Earth, but Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune too.
Long Gone: “We had to call Anti-Doping Norway and ask, ‘is there a hidden camera?’. It was a bit late. Negative tests on both of them.”
Norwegian manager Stale Solbakken after players Einar Gundersen and Jorgen Juve were called up for drug tests, 63 and 42 years after they died.
In All Modesty: “I‘ve never seen anyone better. I say it from my heart: the most complete player that’s ever existed.”
Cristiano Ronaldo on being asked who is the greatest footballer of all time. Yes, yes, he picked himself.
Bad Language: “I learned Spanish for over a year – and then ended up in Italy.”
Ben Godfrey on having to learn a whole new lingo.
