Sport

A Gael's chance to phone a friend

It's that time of year again, when the evenings are short and Christmas, that sad time as you always think, is threatening

By TOM HUMPHRIES
Mon Dec 11 2000 - 00:00

It's that time of year again, when the evenings are short and Christmas, that sad time as you always think, is threatening. Time to celebrate the birth of the Ard Stiurthoir San Speir, yet a time when, ironically, the camaraderie of the GAA takes a holiday. Do you know a GAA person who will be alone this Christmas? Perhaps you are suffering withdrawal symptoms yourself? Well, there are others out there just like you waiting to speak on our special new GAA hotlines, the primetime call experience that refreshes the parts that other helplines can't reach.

LockerRoom, in association with the GAA, is proud to introduce a brand new telephone chatline service, GAELCHAT, staffed by attractive maors 24-7. That's right, even our night-maors are dreamy, so why not give the Gael in your life an introductory call to one of our specialist operators. Choose any one of our packages when you dial 1-850-GAELCHAT. Go on, take the harm out of Christmas . . . What County Man Are You? - Your basic introductory course to GAA chat, including all your favourite insults in one heart-warming package. Chuckle along to such classics as;

- "Ye Pissed in the Powder!" - "Ye're Only Feckin' Stonethrowers!" - "Ye've Only Two Seasons There, PreSeason and Next Season!"

- "Ye'll Be Good If Ye Start Winning on Grass!" - "Did Ye Let That Referee Outta The Boot Yet?". All lighthearted fun and guaranteed unoriginal. Be our 1,000th caller and win a genuine, Depression-era recording of Woody Guthrie performing the Clare Shout in his bathroom.

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Press 1 when call is answered, ya big hoor!

Hi fashion! - One for the ladies! That's right girls, put away the ham and stop making those sandwiches for a minute and have a good old natter about the current state of GAA haute couture. Do you think will crepe hats ever make a comeback? Are those two colour pieces of wool overpriced? Should they be worn in the bedroom? Perhaps only with a furry hat in the county colours? When it comes to rosettes, does size really matter? Great gas!!!

Just Press 2 for finery.

The Easy Listener: Sing if you're Glad to be Gael - Just sit back and enjoy some golden acoustic moments from the archives. Ger Loughnane, The Rock 'n' Roll Years. Johnny Carroll and His Golden Trumpet Play Croke Park. Frank Murphy and His Golden Voice Play Congress. Jack Boothman Unplugged. It'll Be Alright On the Night - Hilarious Congress Out-takes (includes Frank Murphy's FourHour Speech on Motion to Have Early Lunch!).

Press 3 for good times.

The Bigot Deluxe - That's right! At last! We can now put you online with a hardcore soccer "stickball and bogball are only for culchies" bigot. Never mind the quality, feel the spleen as the insults fly. Pullers and draggers. Bogtrotters! MuckSavages! Bloody Grab All Association! If the All-Ireland was in Me Back Garden (some chance!!!) I'd Pull Me Bloody Curtains!

And . . . Ouch! It all gets a bit "political" when the issue of the RUC playing in Croke Park is raised. Let off a little steam yourself, let him know that what he's saying smacks of a foreign code, ask about all that kissing after they score and all that rolling around after they get pushed over! Are they men at all says you! Then sit back and enjoy another 10 minutes of classic fun.

Press 4, ya boy ya

The Club Sandwich - Welcome to our Members Area. Enjoy the first five minutes of familiar chat free. The club is the bedrock of the association, what about the clubs, what about the clubs. Great clubmen of our time. After that it gets hot and steamy, just as you like it. Relive all those clubhouse rows. Recall just why it is that you haven't spoken to the secretary for 10 years. Why did the Da vow never to set foot in that place again? Why exactly has the parish got five clubs?

Maybe these will help you reminisce . . . - "Are You Calling My Son a Waster?" - "No Clubman of Ours is to Play for the County While that Melted Hoor is in Charge."

- "I Thought We Said One in All In?"

- "Play Soccer a Saturday and You'll Never Hurl for the Junior Bs Again."

Press 5 or don't come back here again

The Dr Loftus Slammer: That's Salt and Lime but Hold the Tequila Thanks!! - That's right, slake the fires of your unholy thirst with a big draught of that good old fashioned temperance preaching. How stout took the good out of hurling is just the first port (oops) of call on your 12-step trip riding the big wagon to sobriety.

Press 6 and make yourself the designated driver for good sense.

Fightin' Talk with the GPA - Catch some down home good sense and songs of protest with some of the games' cutting-edge revolutionaries. Jarlath Burns? Well, Let's Just See: Perspectives on the Jarlath Burns Witch Trial.

An Evil Cradling: Selected Reading from the Amnesty International Report into Conditions of GAA Intercounty Players in the Early Part of the 21st Century. Ain't Gonna Work on McCague's Farm No More: Songs of Protest from a Time of Struggle (incl: Blowin' in the Wind (lost the toss again). Men of Constant Sorrow. O'Neill's Fusiliers. Deportee (Gaelic Park NY version). I Dreamt I Saw Des Farrell Last Night. Only Our Rivers Run For Free. We Been In Sorrows Kitchen and We Licked Out All The Pots.

Press 7 and have credit card ready.

Calls cost £5.90 per minute.