Tom Humphries Chief Sportswriter and bon viveur talks about his golfing memories

Earliest golfing memory? Matchplay with Michael Collins not long after he signed The Treaty.

First victory? Poor Mick hit the road that day.

First time to break 90? Gentlemen never tell.

Last bit of equipment? Exactly.

Last time you took a cart and why? Like the Amish, I am against golf carts. I prefer to be horse-drawn.

Last time you muttered an obscenity on a course and why? Press tent. 10:45 pm. Laptop playing up. Many obscenities. None muttered.

Which of the Majors would you like to attend and why? Ah, the Masters at Augusta. When in the US my rap persona requires me to maintain a large harem of black crack 'hos who would really thrive at the cathedral in the pines.

Ideal fourball: who and where? It's myself, Fidel Castro, Muhammad Ali and Bob Dylan. We're in Cuba on the opening day of the baseball season and we're out at the Che Guevara Golf, Fishing and Country Club for All Citizens. I've got my A game going and I kick some elderly butt before we head off to Estadio Latino Americano to see Industriales play. Later on we smoke cigars and stuff.

One last round on earth: where would it be? Bought for my friends in the back room of The Palace Bar on a sunny afternoon.

Ralph Lauren or Lyle & Scott? No, none of them would be there.

Is the Titleist ProV1 worth the extra expense? Oh, undoubtedly. My bust size has improved by two sizes since I got mine. (Is it true about Sinn Féin taking a class action suit having smuggled in a shipload of them?)

Best club food? Whenever I pass a vendor I have Proustian recall of a hot dog I had once at Portmarnock. It repeated more times than I did in college.

One-hundred-and-forty yards out from green. Flat. Calm. What's in your hand? Ooooooh. Gosh. Let's see. Flat calm, you say. It's a trick question, isn't it? I'd have an oar in my hand.

Favourite club in times of trouble? The Credit Union

Parkland or Links? I honestly don't mind. I just play the game I grew up with on the streets.

Must see golfing holiday destination? I don't know what to say. Must see shrink?

Hidden gem? Crazy golf in Tramore. Bring it on Tiger!

One Mulligan in life? Owen. No, Paddy. No wait again, Buck. No. I know. Mulligan of Poolbeg Street. Am I still in the game? It's over? 18 questions? I GET IT!