Martyn Turner Irish Timescartoonist and member of Curragh GC

Earliest golfing memory?

Five hickory-shafted clubs, a brown pencil-shaped bag, a very long summer and an empty course half-a-mile from our house . . . 1955.

First victory?

President's Salver, Woodford Golf Club, 1963 at a guess. But it was a curse. No winner of the President's Salver has ever gone on to win the Masters, or, in my case, anything else.

First time to break 90?

Some time in the late 50s I suspect. Who can remember that far back?

Last bit of equipment you bought?

An Eidolon sandwedge. It's the first club I've ever had with which I can generate backspin. After using it I am now an extra five yards away from the hole than previously, except when I blade it of course.

Last time you took a cart. Where and why?

March 4th, Nimes. I'd got blisters playing on March 3rd.

Last time you muttered an obscenity on the course and why?

Last time I played. Isn't it a rule of golf? I usually don't swear until the fourth three-putt . . . so somewhere around the fifth green.

Which major would you like to attend and why?

The British Open at Royal County Down. Its time has come.

Ideal fourball. Who and where?

Any three from the usual gang of idiots . . . although I hear Neil Young and Bob Dylan play these days . . . does Kim Basinger?

One last round on earth, where would it be?

Royal County Down - no, Mourne, it would be cheaper.

Dress sense. Davis Love or Ian Poulter?

Davis Love, but Poulter when the pink jeans are on the roster.

Is a Titleist ProV1 worth the expense?

Don't be silly. All golf balls are the same unless you are a pro.

Best golf club food. Where?

I'm a vegetarian so I could write the egg and chip guide to golf courses. The best food is at Lamalou les Bains, 30 miles north of Beziers in the Languedoc. It's a crap nine-hole course with a nine star restaurant (even for vegetarians). Play nine, eat and drink too much and then play another nine. Heaven.

140 yards out from the green. Flat calm. What's in your hand?

Winter: seven-iron. Summer: eight-iron. America: Nine-iron.

Favourite club in times of trouble?

I only like my driver. The rest disappoint me mightily.

Parkland or Links?

Links. I hate the colour green. Heath land is my favourite, sort of inland links.

Must see golfing destination?

In the company of the wife's American cousin's husband I am slowly working my way through the Donald Ross courses of Rhode Island and North Carolina. His courses are my idea of golf. But he got the idea first.

Hidden gem?

See previous. In Ireland . . . Carlow and Dooks.

One Mulligan in life?

Golfwise . . . should have bought the house years ago that went on to become Pat Ruddy's next door neighbour at the European Club . . . a not so hidden gem.