A Soccer Miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN
Antonio is over the moon: Cassano looks no further than Italian giants AC Milan
“I’ve reached the top. There is nothing above AC Milan, only sky.”
– Antonio Cassano, over the moon after signing for the Rossoneri.
“Six months ago I was playing in a World Cup final and last week I was beaten by Blackpool.”
– Liverpool’s Dirk Kuyt discovers it’s a funny old game.
“I bought some sweets and the next thing there’s two guys on their knees in front of me, tugging my trousers. I didn’t know whether to knee them in the gob. I’m going ‘let go’, pushing them away. While I’m doing that they’re rifling my pockets.”
– Harry Redknapp on his Madrid mugging.
“Didier Drogba’s had malaria, so he’s not 100 per cent fit for whatever reason.”
– Glenn Hoddle speaking on Sky Sports, puzzling a Private Eye reader – and ourselves.
“People say I waste too many chances, but it is not my job to score goals.”
– Robinho clarifies his job description.
“It’s a kind of mix between football and art.”
– Eric ‘who else?’ Cantona on his new role as Director of Soccer at The New York Cosmos.
“It’s not the thing I like best in the world, but I do it.”
– Cristiano Ronaldo on changing his baby’s nappies. We sense a Pampers contract in the offing.
“Hodgson signed seven players. Seven players is enough to change a squad, so you cannot continue with this story about my legacy. It’s not my fault, sorry.”
– Rafa ‘don’t blame me’ Benitez.
“Tommy Lee was a real oddball. I’d try and reason with him, but then came the day when he walked into my room, smiling all the while, and then proceeded to eat the contents of a tube of shaving foam right in front of me.”
– Barcelona’s Gerard Pique reminiscing fondly about his former Manchester United lodgings buddy.
Mario's brother enjoys the sights: Balotelli keeps busy
ELEVEN GAMES, eight goals, four yellow cards and one red – Mario Balotelli, currently out of action with an injured knee, has had a lively old time of it since joining Manchester City. And that’s just the on-the-field stuff.
Off the field he’s been busy making friends with his new neighbours in a swanky apartment building in the centre of Manchester. “One day my brother Giovanni was in the street, looked up and said to his girlfriend: “How nice, Camilla. Look, they’re doing fireworks in Manchester.” But it was me, shooting them off from the ninth floor.
“The neighbours adore me, though. When I score they stick little congratulatory notes to my door. At Christmas they presented me with bottles of wine. But I do not drink.”
While not setting off fireworks the fella occupies most of his time by giving interviews that usually land him in a spot of trouble. Like last week. “His English stinks,” he said of his City boss Roberto Mancini. “But it is improving. But Mancini is lucky. He has an owner who only asks him: ‘What do you need?’” He half rescued himself, though, by praising Mancini’s coaching abilities.
Lansbury is a right old twitter: Hot chocolate and girlfriend is not Henri's cup of tea
IF STEVE Cotterill was Henri Lansbury’s manager the 20-year-old, who’s currently on loan from Arsenal at Norwich, would be a bit light in the pocket. This Tweet alone – “Just burnt my mouth aaaaahhhhhh hot chocolate I told her I wanted it warm stupid b**** lol not boiling atyudxyudujeb ej it hurts looool” – would have cost the fella £24,000 in fines.
Cotterill announced last week that he had banned his Portsmouth players from using Twitter and Facebook. “I have told them if they do it, then I will fine them £1,000 per word. It is a load of old rubbish. If they spent less time on the computer and more time playing football we’d have a better set of players,” he said.
Lansbury will hope that Norwich don’t impose a similar regime because the boy is just mad about Twitter. He even started his own ‘Ask Henners’ feature on his account where his fans could grill him on the burning topics of the day. Eg “If u need to fart in the gym do u let it out and walk off.”
“Yer let it out who cares!”
“Have you ever shopped in Ikea Edmonton??”
“lol yer I have ya no lol.”
“What’s the best way to get rid of a bird ‘the morning after’ when all you want to do is chill out alone?”
“Tell her ur girlfriend is on her way bk!”
“How well did you do at school?”
“I was bad at skol.”
And when he returns to Arsenal at the end of the season Lansbury is sure to be greeted warmly by goalkeepers Manuel Almunia, Lukasz Fabianski and Wojciech Szczesny. Which one of the three does he prefer in goal? “I’m better than them all end of!,” he replied. It should be noted that Lansbury is a midfielder.
ZZ cross: Zidane doesn't see funny side of comic's rant
ZINEDINE ZIDANE was one of the football legends hired by Qatar to support the country’s World Cup hosting bid, his involvement in the campaign prompting French comedian Christophe Aleveque to describe him, in an interview with magazine Sportmag, as an “advertising hoarding with three neurons”.
“To me it is a form of prostitution. This guy is a whore! It’s disgusting,” he said, noting Zidane had also worked for Danone. “Let him drown in yoghurt,” he declared.
So, did Zidane find the comedian’s comments a hoot? Well, not quite.
“Mister Zinedine Zidane considers that these remarks are harmful to his honour, his dignity, his integrity, his reputation as a man and a public person as well as that of his family,” said his lawyer, Alberto Brusso. Yep, he’s suing Aleveque and the magazine.
Hard to swallow this foodball club: You'll never live it down if you buy this merchandise
VERY large thanks to “Sligo Scouse” for directing us towards redandwhitekop.com last week where the residents were discussing the worst unofficial Liverpool merchandise they’d ever seen.
We were particularly fond of the yarn about a Granny buying her two grandsons – one a Liverpool fan, the other an Evertonian – “bedding” at the local market in their beloved clubs’ colours. “I woke up the next morning stained a curious shade of light red from head to toe. Looked liked I’d developed a rash. Ran down the stairs. “Muuuuum!!” Got in the living room to see my brother stood in front of her stained blue and looking remarkably like Smurf, with my mum trying not to kill herself laughing.”
Meanwhile: “A few years ago I was in Bangkok. Saw a cracking replica Liverpool home shirt. It was blue, though. The same stall had a Manc shirt with Gerrard on the back and a Liverpool shirt with Rooney.”
"My sister decided to get me a Liverpool wallet in Turkey last year. I noticed a few minor errors. Instead of You'll Never Walk Aloneit read "You el Niver Waik Aione" – and rather than Liverpool it read "Livrepuoe"."
The Liverpool bag with the “MUFC” handle was another gem, as was the badge for supporters of “Liverpool Foodball Club – East 1892” – one that appeared to feature a pelican, rather than a Liver bird, as one contributor noted.
It was, though, hard to beat this one: “My mum bought me a dodgy LFC home shirt from Malaysia. On the badge it said: “You’ll never walk again”.”
Nice owner sought for stray Porsche: Queries to Stoke City
YOU BUY a Porsche and then forget you own it. Hey, which one of us hasn’t been there? Jermaine Pennant, who left Real Zaragoza for Stoke City last year, was contacted by the Spanish club and told that a Porsche had been left in the car park of a nearby railway station for five months and the parking tickets bill was getting rather lofty.
Pennant, according to the Telegraph, “was nonplussed – no, he said, the car wasn’t his”. But on being told the registration plate read “P33NNT” the memories came flooding back. Yep, he had indeed lashed out €116,000 for the machine, it had just slipped his mind.
“At least Pennant salvaged something useful from the experience,” said the paper, “the personalised plate has been retrieved and is now resplendent on his new Ferrari.”
If he only he could remember where he parked it.
Hugs all round
HE'S NOT often credited for having a warm heart, but we learnt last week Jose Mourinho was generous enough, back in 2004, to gift the notebook he used during his last match in charge of Porto (before they won the Champions League final) to a friend. Lovelier still was
the message he wrote across the front: "A hug from Jose Mourinho".
Ah. A treasured keepsake? Na, the fella’s son is flogging it on a Portuguese auction site – bid around €2,500 and it should be yours.
