A soccer miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

First 'Time'?: Don't think so

LIONEL Messi is running out of honours to win – well, granted, the World Cup would be a nice addition to his collection. His latest “award” is a place on the cover of Time magazine, although not on the United States’ edition.

Barcelona were, understandably, chuffed about the accolade, announcing on their website that Messi was the first footballer ever to grace the magazine’s cover. “Ahem,” the 1999 World Cup-winning American women’s team possibly replied.

Downing: Thrash talk

WHY exactly did Liverpool pay in or around €24 million for Stewart Downing, more than a few Liverpool fans are now asking. According to the Birmingham Mail last week, the decision was down to Liverpool head honchos John Henry and Tom Werner “being dazzled by YouTube clips of him kicking balls into five wheelie bins from long range”.

“There was some footage of Stewart where he was, from 30 yards away, kicking a football into five different trash cans and it was brilliant,” said Werner. “John and I said: ‘Oh my God, this player is brilliant, we’ve got to figure out a way to make a deal with him’.”

The problem? The footage “had been digitally enhanced as part of a viral video campaign to boost season ticket sales at Villa”.Mind you, the pair were made aware of this before they parted with their cash.

New 'Messi': MSL unlikely

THE Observer had an interesting snippet yesterday on a promising young footballer in Romania, the 10-year-old apparently vowing that he would be “the new Messi”.

It was his name, though, that was the most striking thing about the story, so we followed the link to an interview with him on Romanian television just to be sure, to be sure that it was, indeed, real.

Sure enough, there he was, a dote of a little fella, born two weeks after the September 2001 attacks on the United States.

His name? Eh, Bin Laden Virtosu.

You can only wish him well in his career, but maybe he should rule out a move to the MLS?

Head the ball: Wilkins shares wisdom for on-field success

"That's exactly how you head a ball – you use your head."– Ray Wilkins shares some tips with aspiring footballers on Sky Sports.

"They were like a bunch of daffodils around the penalty box . . . but I would never be disrespectful to them." –Kilmarnock manager Kenny Shiels paying a flowery tribute to Ayr United's defensiveness after his team beat them in the League Cup semi-final.

"By tomorrow at 19.00 we will deposit a contract with the League. A clue? I'll tell you our new striker will be from Argentina and his surname ends with a 'z'."– Spare a thought for any AC Milan fans who rushed out to have "Tevez" printed on their replica shirts – club vice-president Adriano Galliani was (accurately) forecasting the arrival of Maxi Lopez from Catania. Mind you, they haven't given up on Tevez yet.

"I'm a phenomenon." – A humble Alex Ferguson on his quarter-of-a-century in charge of one club.

Not 'appy: Bayern fans not amused by 'signing' ruse

“FC BAYERN is signing a new offensive player. Live Press conference at 2pm CET,” Bayern Munich announced on their Facebook page on Friday, supporters having to “like” the page to gain access to the big unveiling.

There was, need it be said, giddy excitement among the fans. Who could it be? Lionel Messi? Cristiano Ronaldo? Andy Carroll? The time arrived. And Bayern unveiled . . . well, a new app.

“Dear fans, you probably already noticed, that we did not sign a new player. This app is for our fans to show the importance of you for our club. Each Bayern fan is the ‘spectacular new signing,’ our 12th man!”

The club described it all as “a bit of fun for our fans”, but, alas, they weren’t laughing. At the last count there were over 5,000 none-too-pleased comments, many of them highly unrepeatable (even in German).

“Sorry dear fans,” the club responded, “as we see from your numerous comments, you are very upset about today’s action. It was not our intention to disappoint you with the new app. Rather, we wanted to show how important is each fan for Bayern Munich.”

That worked well.

Holy smoke: Real rebuke

REFEREE Fernando Teixeira Vitienes was, you’d imagine, relieved to be heading towards the exit at the Camp Nou last week after officiating the rather heated Copa Del Rey quarter-final second-leg encounter between Barcelona and Real Madrid, the latter being less than pleased with several of his decisions during the game.

But who was waiting in the underground car-park to wave him off, according to Barcelona paper El Mundo Deportivo?

Jose Mourinho, naturally.

“Quite the artist, how you like to screw the professionals,” he said to the referee, “now go and smoke a cigar and have a laugh, you have no shame.”

A fond farewell.

Lost faith: Merson wishes  for the end of Wenger era

"This is bordering on the end of an era for Arsenal. Another two years and he will probably leave Arsenal like Bruce Rioch left here. Seriously. This has got to change. It's an absolute joke." – In Arsene Paul Merson no longer trusts.

"I used to love getting ready to watch a Barcelona game on a Saturday night, but now it's the same thing every week, they're just hammering everyone, six or seven goals, Messi scores a hat-trick every week. I've almost got bored of watching them, they're that good.– Paul Scholes – just before Barcelona's 0-0 draw at Villarreal on Saturday.

"We eventually arrived at the pyramids three hours late. I was desperate for a drink to calm my nerves, only to find the restaurant didn't sell alcohol. I was stuck on water, absolutely gutted."– Ian Rush on an eventful trip to Egypt that involved a car crash and divil a beer.

"It's just about time for me to grow up, delete twitter and focus on football!"– Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny's last tweet . . . although his account remains open, so despair not.

Rwanda rant: President urges change at Arsenal

THE vultures were circling over Arsene Wenger last week after Arsenal’s league defeat to Manchester United, some long-time supporters concluding, however regretfully, that it was time for him to move on.

Eg: “I very much support Arsenal – but to be honest Wenger needs to coach another team now and Arsenal needs another coach. When a good team and a good coach fail for long to deliver, one of them has to change, or even both!! The real/main danger is for anyone to get used to mediocre/lacklustre performance and/or results and accepts to live with it . . . or keeps finding excuses for it!!!”

Whose views are these? Paul Kagame. President of Rwanda. On Twitter.

Seriously.