A soccer miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

"I consider this a truly harmful development, putting people in front of the television screen at 12.30, when they are having lunch with their families, to me seems like a 'pitch invasion' on life." – Vatican spokesman Monsignor Carlo Mazzaon Serie A's decision to introduce a fixture at 12.30 on Sundays this season for television reasons. It's not just the GAA, then, that is fretting about pitch invasions this weather.

1bnThat's how many euros Real Madrid have spent since the summer of 2000, the signings of Di Maria Canales, Pedro Leon and Khedira last month taking their transfer outlay in that period past the one billion mark.

Fat bellies match their fat salaries: Ronaldo and Campbell feel the pinch

SUMMER holidays can, of course, have a negative impact on one's body shape, sometimes to the point where you're charged excess baggage for your tummy on your flight home. For that reason it's hard to criticise highly-paid professional footballers for being a little on the tubby side when they show up for pre-season training, except the fact they are highly paid professional footballers means they should probably be a better behaved than the rest of us.

Poor old Ronaldo - the Brazilian one - has had to endure chubby allegations for many a year now, but when he reported for pre-season duty with Corinthians this summer he had photographers reaching for their wide angle lenses. Similarly, Sol Campbell had the width of his waistline called in to question when he joined up with his Newcastle colleagues, the 35-year-old not taking kindly to news that he had been labelled "fat belly" on supporters' message boards.

"It's a long season and I cannot listen to idiots," he said. "I am a naturally big guy, but I cannot rush my conditioning, otherwise trying too much too quickly could result in injuries." (Hey, which one of us hasn't used that line?) "It's pathetic," he said, "don't they know I have just got married and been on honeymoon?" Indeed.

Commenting on the photo of him that appeared pretty much everywhere he admitted that it "wasn't flattering" but insisted that "the training kit was not very flattering and showed up all sorts of things".

Which is a little bit like "does my bum look big in this?" Answer? Well . . .

Diego's pitch: for private Villa

THE prospect of Diego Maradona managing Aston Villa is, perhaps, a little unlikely, but you have to say the image of him sharing a touchline with, say, Ian Holloway at Blackpool is beautifully wacky.

His European representative doesn’t see anything unlikely about it, Walter Soriano insisting at the weekend his client is well up for it. “I think Diego would be very open to the idea of coming to England and managing Aston Villa,” he said. “He is very attracted to English football and the way of life in your country and I know he would be very willing to move there. He loves the English countryside and your respect for privacy.”

Respect for privacy? There’s as much chance of that as there is of Peter Shilton becoming Diego’s assistant at Villa Park.

Fond farewell: Chelsea fans concerned for former hero

THERE was many a fond footballing farewell during the summer, the warmest perhaps from Chelsea supporters who wished Liverpool new-boy Joe Cole well with this little ditty: “He’s rich, they’re Scouse, they’re going to rob his house, Joey Cole, Joey Cole.” Aw, nice.

The most moving tribute, though, paid to a departing friend was by Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed who, naturally, thanked Roy Hodgson from the bottom of his heart for all his stupendous efforts at the London club – including that Europa League final appearance – and wished him nothing but success at Liverpool. No, no, wait: “Don’t mention Roy Hodgson any more. He let us down and just walked away, but we have a nice guy now (Mark Hughes) – he’s a better looking too. This guy (Hodgson), we put him where he is now and he took advantage. We gave him all the support, we believed in him and he just let us down. Yes, Roy disappointed the fans and players. He was just a bugger. I did everything for him, to help him. But that’s his character. He can’t help it. I forgive him, anyhow – and I’m sure he’s going to get Liverpool downhill.” Heartwarming.

Blame it on Rio: Defender's thoughts trained on toilets

“RIO is nowhere near,” said Alex Ferguson last week, with a bit of a sigh, when asked about his occasional defender’s fitness. The good news, though, is that Ferdinand has been keeping himself busy this summer, while being laid up (yet) again with injury, dividing his energies between designing shoes for footwear company Strutt Men and reviewing lavatory conditions on trains.

As he wrote on his Twitter page: “Clean WC well done Virgin! Does any1 else try and get out of the train toilets real quick so other passengers don’t think u have done a poo?!”

We half expected to see a reply from a Sir Fergie, along the lines of: “2 think there was a time u were my number 1 defender, now ur writing about number 2s on choo choos. Football, bloody hell.”

French fall-out: Evra and Thuram in war of words

THE fall-out from France’s less than successful World Cup campaign is proving to be rather entertaining, not least Patrice Evra’s spirited defence of his role in the uprising. When his former French team-mate Lilian Thuram called for Evra to be made an international outcast the Manchester United man had had enough: “I called him to ask for an explanation. He didn’t respond. He sullied my name without knowing what happened. Lilian thinks he’s the new coach, president of the FFF and president of France. He said that Les Bleus are contributing to increasing racism. It is time that Lilian stops playing a role that isn’t his to play. Walking around with books on slavery in glasses and a hat does not turn you into Malcolm X.”

Ouch.

Lettuce hands: Santos goalkeeper left licking his wounds after canine 'joke'

FALLING in to the “it seemed like a good idea at the time” category is news from Brazil where Santos players Alan, Zezinho, Felipe, Madson and Ze Eduardo teamed up to do a live video chat with supporters of the club. By all accounts it started out in a friendly enough manner but, alas, descended in to a slur-swapping exercise once goalkeeper Felipe was told by a fan that he had “lettuce hands”.

Now, Felipe should probably just have quietly walked away at that point, but, instead, chose to inform the angry fan that “what I spend on food for my dog is what you make in a month”.

What was a touch unfortunate about this particular response, as the Brazilian media was quick to remind Felipe, was that the biggest story in the country this summer – cripes, even bigger than the World Cup – was the case of Flamengo goalkeeper Bruno Fernandes whose ex-girlfriend went missing, her body, the police claimed, fed to dogs.

Fernandes expressed concern at the time that allegations he was somehow involved in the gruesome affair would damage his chances of playing for Brazil in the 2014 World Cup finals, but he felt hopeful that “in the future I’ll be able to laugh at all this”.

Soon after he was charged with kidnap, murder, hiding a body, forming a criminal gang and corrupting minors, so he’s now struggling to see the funny side of it all.

Any way, Felipe ended up having to say a big sorry for his comment, “It was a joke that got misinterpreted”, he said, “I apologise if anybody was offended by it.”

Santos, meanwhile, were unable to confirm the date of the club’s next live video chat, but it’ll coincide, roughly, with hell freezing over.

U-turn: Kenny kind of forgets

WHEN former Republic of Ireland goalkeeper Paddy Kenny received a nine-month ban for a failed drug test in September of last year he reckoned his career was done, although his team-mates were there for him, dubbing him "Benylin Bill" because the banned substance in question had been contained in a cough medicine.

The club stood by him, earning his gratitude. "I owe them my career because you don't know what could have happened," he said. On Saturday he received a less than friendly reception when he returned to United with QPR, the home supporters barracking him throughout the game because he had turned down a new contract at United.