These are perilous times. Times of war and pestilence, of avarice and misanthropy. These are times of darkness and confusion when fear and temptation reign and brave men can be lost - a time when a Cup might be lost.

Such times cry out for enlightenment and inspiration, for lucid thought and moral guidance.

Mark, let me be your guide. Let me shine the torch of reason into the dark corners of chaos, let me blaze the path through the mists of self-doubt. Take my hand Mark, and I shall lead you to our Holy Grail.

Or at the very least let me help you get through Friday's opening matches (Saturday is another day and we can burn that bridge when we cross it). Already the fissures have begun to open. Coltart? What were you thinking about? Right, let's review our position. Take a look at the team. No, it's not a pretty sight, is it. Mark? Mark, listen - ah, Mark, please don't do that, it does not become a man in your position.

Better? Alright. Now, how many leaders do we have, men with the experience and temperament on whom we can rely to carry our weaker colleagues? Monty, yes. Ollie and Jesper. Probably Westwood, and we'll gamble on Jimenez even if he is a rookie.

Not much to go on. What's Crenshaw got: Lehman, Leonard, Love, Mickelson, O'Meara, Stewart, Woods. Hmm.

Still, no need to panic, we've got at least one leader for every pairing. The old boys will have to play a lot of golf, but if a couple of the debutants hold their nerve we're in with a shout.

Now, ideally, in the interest of team spirit, everyone should play on the first day. You can bet Crenshaw won't exclude anyone. For us, unfortunately, that looks too great a gamble this year given the two or three suspiciously weak links in the side. Chief among these, of course, is Monsieur Jean Van de Velde, aka Shoeless Jean. Shoeless and clueless.

We've got to keep an eye on that lad. Sandelin, too, may be a loose canon. The other new recruits, including our beloved Paudge, can be thrown to the lions with a little more equanimity: at least they know what a lion smells like.

So, let's get started. If it's Friday morning it must be Foursomes.

Mark, the only way we're going to beat these damn Yankees is to attack from the start, knock them off guard and hope we've skipped town before the sheriff arrives.

We must open with a dramatic flourish, with all guns blazing: first match, we launch the second Spanish Armada, Olazabal and Garcia. They are strong and fearless, and - almost as important for the moment that's in it - both are immensely popular in the States, and their appearance on the first tee just might dampen the initial U-S-A!, U-S-A! factor (imagine sending Monty out first).

If we start the morning with a roar, we must finish just as loudly: match number four must be Montgomerie and Clarke. Now, I know Darren and Lee have been making noises about playing together, but not in the Foursomes. We all know just how fragile Darren's confidence can be, but Monty will keep him focused. It's Monty and Clarke.

Westwood will lead match number two, and he will play with his brother-in-law. Well, you picked Coltart, so you're going to have to play him and you might as well get it over with. Anyway, their friendship, and Westwood's easy calm might help the Scot to channel his undoubted passion in the right direction.

Parnevik captains match number three, and the great thing about him is that he'd be good company for any of the debutants (even Shoeless Jean). But we've already got Garcia and Coltart out there, so I think we play our strongest hand: Jimenez.

Foursomes

Olazabal/Garcia

Westwood/Coltart

Parnevik/Jimenez

Montgomerie/Clarke

Time for lunch.

A different challenge this afternoon. Fourballs is a bit more hit and miss than Foursomes, and the chemistry between partners isn't quite as telling an issue.

But it's time to blood a couple of the other rookies: it's an unavoidable risk.

Again, we come out fighting: match number one sees Lee and Big D get their chance to have some fun. If Olazabal looks at all unsteady in the morning, then for match number two we downgrade the Armada to a flotilla: Jimenez and Garcia. If Ollie's on form, the big fleet hoists sails again.

There are two matches left - number three, again led by Jesper, and number four, again with Monty - but three rookies in need of a run: Lawrie, Sandelin and Harrington. As we said before, Parnevik would be happy with any of them, but Monty won't take to Sandelin.

That leaves us with the potential for two more partnerships of compatriots: Monty and Lawrie, and Parnevik and Sandelin, with poor Paudge out in the cold with the Frenchman.

But of the three Harrington is by far the most experienced in this sort of team format, and a full afternoon of friends and compatriots playing together looks suspiciously damaging to team morale. So here it is: Harrington goes off with Parnevik and Lawrie gets to mope around with Monty. Sorry Jarmo. Bonsoir Jean.

Fourballs

Westwood/Clarke

Jimenez/Garcia

Parnevik/Harrington

Montgomerie/Lawrie

There you have it Mark, it's Friday evening and already we're up 6-2. But the Yanks are always strong on Sunday, so we've plenty more to do tomorrow.

What's that? Ah, don't mention it, you're more than welcome. No, no, honestly . . . alright, I'll have the one, but then it's straight to bed.

Yours, with eyes closed and fingers crossed.