ON RUGBY/Gerry Thornley: Due to another pact with a slanty-eyed gentleman with cloven feet and a huge fork, this column is again blessed with soothsaying abilities for the year ahead. Alas and alack, we cannot reveal the identity of the individual, as he is a member of the IRFU Committee, while some deliberately false forecasts are mingled in with the following so as to ensure our favourite bookmakers don't go out of business.
January: To emphasise the interpros' status as "non-competitive" matches, the IRFU insist all players must smile throughout the games and tackle "non-aggressively". Failure to do so will result in a fine and a week in Spala in Polish ice chambers.
February: The IRFU and the FAI broker a deal with the GAA and the Government. The rugby and footballing bodies purchase Croke Park. The GAA relocates to Abbotstown. The 50-metre national indoor swimming pool moves to Lansdowne Road.
A 100-plus IRFU party of committee members, past presidents and friends leave Edinburgh for Rome and a week's stay in the Eternal City to save on flights back to Dublin and out again. "It's all part of our new cost-cutting measures," explains one insider.
March: Ireland finish third in Six Nations after defeat to England which completes Grand Slam for Clive Woodward's boys. The international computer rankings place England on top of the world, while both the English bookies and media make them odds-on favourites for the World Cup. The simultaneous giggling in both hemispheres registers on the Richter scale.
April: The night before the Parker Pen Cup, second leg semi-final between Connacht and Wasps in Galway, the visiting coach, Warren Gatland, is kidnapped. The following day his distracted London team see a 25-point lead wiped out as Connacht reach final with 60-59 aggregate win. The Garda send out a search party for Gatland. RTÉ send out a search party to see where Connacht is.
May: To the backdrop of porcine projectiles, Leinster beat Munster in European Cup final sell-out at Croke Park.
Connacht win the Parker Pen Challenge Cup by beating Newcastle Falcons in final. Rob Andrew cries foul. The IRFU Committee just cry. Realising that Connacht have ensured automatic qualification for next season's European Cup ahead of Ulster, the committee-men convene in the Berkeley Court Hotel for week-long crisis talks which conclude in the decision to disband Connacht. A union statement, issued through their PR company, explains that by winning the cup Connacht abused their position as a development province, and in the process incurred additional travel costs which stretched the union's funds to breaking point.
"It was a bitter pill to swallow, but the gin and tonics helped," reveals one IRFU insider. "From now on, we'll just have to tighten our belts."
June: The English club season reaches a pulsating climax with that traditional finale known as the Zurich Premiership final, one month after the league actually finished, two months after Gloucester were crowned champions and a mere week before England play the All Blacks in Wellington. No, seriously, this really will happen.
Australia exact revenge on Ireland with a win in the opening match of Ireland's summer tour. Irish baggage master Paddy "Rala" O'Reilly travels on from Perth to Tonga and Samoa for remaining legs of tour with planeload of additional body padding.
September: IRFU offer novel new draws and prizes for World Cup round robin warm-up game at home to Italy in effort to boost attendance. First prize is a week for two in Spala, second prize is two weeks in Spala . . .
October: For the second World Cup in a row, Ireland set the benchmark, with the IRFU funding the largest party of free - oops - travelling dignitaries amongst the 19 visiting finalists.
In Perth, Corne Krige leads his Springboks out against England with shoulder padding up to his ears, a gun and holster, helmet and a combat jacket. A nervous Jonny Wilkinson turns to Martin Johnson and asks: "Do you think he means business?"
After Wilkinson kicks off, a missile bearing a passing resemblance to an airborne Krige launches into Wilkinson. "What do you mean late tackle referee? I got there as soon as I could." Krige is yellow carded. Jonnyboy kicks England to victory with nine penalties in 27-3 victory over a fired-up Boks side who have four players sent-off.
Afterwards, neither team cites any opposing player. Krige is suspended until 30 minutes before the Boks' next match. The International Rugby Board issue new guidelines on disciplinary measures and (omerta) code of conduct.
Ireland and Argentina both beat wilting Wallabies to knock the holders and hosts out of the tournament. Australian chief executive John O'Neill lodges objection with the IRB as it was against the tournament's greater good. In another major shock, Wales beat Italy to reach quarter-finals.
November: The All Blacks beat the Springboks in triple x-rated quarter-final in Melbourne, while Ireland beat Scotland in Brisbane. The next day France knock out Argentina and England beat Wales in a grudge match. Alas, Ireland's adventure comes to an end with 33-30 defeat to the All Blacks in semi-final in Sydney, attended by Government dignitaries headed by Bertie Ahern. The Irish players are immediately sent home to prepare for resumption of European Cup a couple of weeks later, but travelling IRFU party and Government delegation stay on for reconnaissance work on sports stadia around Oz.
In the other semi-final, France beat England in another grudge match. Clive Woodward complains afterwards that too many teams held grudges against England. English club owners demand that the Premiership be brought forward to restart the following week and that all the English squad be sent home immediately.
The All Blacks regain the World Cup after 16-year wait with an epic 40-36 win over France in final. All is right with the world. George Bush downs his stetson and holster, and declares he will breed doves and sing every day after attending morning peace vigils.
December: At IRFU Christmas party in the Berkeley Court Hotel committee members are spotted taking taxi home rather than stay the night in major new cost-cutting exercise. "Yes, it's true," confirms a union insider. "Santa is dead."
gthornley@irish-times.ie
