Day 16. Martin O'Neill's looking a bit faint, a bit Celtic green about the gills. Not, though, because he only just made it in time to Rotterdam for the BBC's coverage of the semi-final, having been delayed en route from Glasgow, but more because he'd had his first meeting with the Celtic squad, which he mistook for the Cowdenbeath reserves when he saw them train.
Holland v Italy. Holy God - Chippy Brady predicted penalties. That's the same Chippy Brady who predicted France would beat Spain 2-1. Spookier and spookier. Only Hansie Cronje has forecast the outcome of sporting contests with more accuracy. Match time. The Italians are annoying Trev Brooking because they've chosen not to entertain us, instead, cynically, opting to win the game. Imagine that. The nerve. "Tetchy, negative, niggly," he says of them. Dino Zoff would have been moved to tears if he'd heard such a tribute.
Paddy Kluivert thinks the better of shooting with his left. "If it had been on his right foot he might have chanced his arm," says Trev. The 34th minute. Gianluca Zambrotta's sent off. "Total stupidity," says Barry Davies. "Completely brainless," says Chippy at half-time. "Absolooly stoopid," says Alan Hansen. Thirty-eighth minute. Penalty to Holland. Toldo saves from Ronald de Boer. Mmm, let's look at the mounting evidence. By now Bergkamp has hit the post, the Italians have failed to string two passes together, they're losing their cool and they'll concede another penalty in the second half. Well, it's obvious. They'll meet France in the final.
Half-time. Billo, who's pinned his colours to the mast by drinking orange juice, wants to see the back of the Italians. Alan Hansen agrees. "Three words," he says, "negative, negative, negative."
Second half. This negativity is getting to Trev - he starts talking about Frank Le Boer, an amalgam of a Dutch and French centre-half. The Dutch miss another penalty. The Crown Prince is gutted. "Off with their heads," he says, if our lip-reading skills didn't fail us. Full-time. "My children would describe that as `pants'," says Gary Lineker. Ah but. "I think Italy will come out of their traps now," says Tosh Toshack back on RTE. "And the moon is blue cheese," says Billo.
Golden goal? No. Penalties? Yup. "I'd put money on him to score," says Barry as Ronald de Boer steps up.
Italy win and Tosh and Gilesie, who's truly browned off with Zoff's lads, fall out.
"It seems it's a sin to defend well these days," says Tosh, prompting Gilesie to throw Billo's orange juice over him. Very nearly. Lads, calm down. Much as we'd like them to, the Italian football team wasn't put on this earth to entertain us, just to win matches. Which they did. Hats off. Hup Italy, as they won't be saying in Amsterdam.
